Karlston Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 Researchers for the Western Australian Main Roads Department found over 200 dead crows on the Great Northern Highway recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and confirmed that it was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during the analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars. The MRD then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The O.B quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck". polinom00, leapinlizards and jbleck 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted February 7, 2020 Share Posted February 7, 2020 jbleck, TrojanK and xkryptonx 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 Donald T.... is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo when an assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would-be assassin, and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?” (Wait for it....) Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, “Donald duck!” xkryptonx and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye. "Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked. "No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake." jbleck and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abacaxi Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day. Me: “Hello.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.” Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?” NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.” Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”> NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?” Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?” Me: “I think it's already on.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.” Me: “I don’t see that.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?” Me: “Yes.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.” Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.” Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.” NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.” Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?” Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it it just kind of stays on all the time.” NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?” Me: “In those cases I usually press the big button beneath Stop/Cancel.” NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.” Me: “Ok.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?” Me: “No. The door popped open.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?” Me: “No, there’s a burrito.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?” Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.” xkryptonx, polinom00, flash13 and 2 others 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 In Jamaica, a coconut cream pie costs $2.30 In Cuba, a smoky fish pie costs $3.95 In Puerto Rico, a frosted lime pie costs $2.15 In Trinidad and Tobago, a banana meringue pie costs $4.00 These are the pie rates of the Caribbean. leapinlizards, xkryptonx and polinom00 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polinom00 Posted February 8, 2020 Share Posted February 8, 2020 Karlston and leapinlizards 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 (edited) Edited February 10, 2020 by Dce3480 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor."I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity.I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum." "You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That'sa lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?" "Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'" Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I`m going to shoot him!" Karlston, cosy, jbleck and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 Post hidden. I know politicians can be considered to be jokes, but let's keep the politics out of this topic, thanks. From the Forum Guidelines... Quote In order to focus on what unites us all, rather than what divides us, cultural, national and/or political issues are not to be discussed. T3rM1nat0Rr3 and xkryptonx 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted February 9, 2020 Share Posted February 9, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 leapinlizards and Karlston 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. "Now, what was it she wanted?" The clerk answered, "Snow." Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 After his marriage broke up, my manager became very philosophical. "I guess it was in our genes," he sighed. "What do you mean?" I asked. "Her sign is the one for earth. Mine is the one for water. Together we made mud." Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 (edited) A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, and make it quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender remarks, "I've never seen anybody drink that fast!" The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have." "What's that?" asks the bartender. "Only fifty cents!" Edited February 10, 2020 by aum Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 Karlston and xkryptonx 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 10, 2020 Share Posted February 10, 2020 polinom00 and haris_sane69 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted February 11, 2020 Share Posted February 11, 2020 nsane have test Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted February 11, 2020 Share Posted February 11, 2020 xkryptonx, Karlston and cosy 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted February 11, 2020 Share Posted February 11, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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