Karlston Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Pequi, sandman117, leapinlizards and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede $100." The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer. The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again. He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you want to go for a beer?" The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says, "Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!" Pequi, leapinlizards and Karlston 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arachnoid Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do. Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered inthrough the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in." The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!" "Is it the President?" asked the chief. "No! Even more important!" "Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief. "I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur." Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares." Karlston and vitorio 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 Dog will have nose shredded in 3, 2, 1... TrojanK 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 It doesn't Matter about:blank you are About Your Garfield Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..." Karlston and TrojanK 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 A man was giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He got a bit carried away and talked for two hours. Finally, he realized what he had done and said, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home." A voice from the back of the room replied, "There's a calendar behind you..." Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."' The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again. "What was that for?" he complained. Spoiler "Your dog called last night." Karlston and TrojanK 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 Pequi and Karlston 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 flash13 and haris_sane69 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 haris_sane69, Karlston, TrojanK and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor." "You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith, "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?" Pequi and Karlston 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of -first, the truck, the car, playing golf '. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.' Spoiler The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. jbleck, Pequi and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. As he handed the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I went to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself this evening. We have sound now." haris_sane69, Karlston and Pequi 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth. Horrified, the woman replies, Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby. To which the dentist replies, Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair. Pequi and Karlston 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Pequi and Karlston 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Pequi and TrojanK 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 Rush Limbaugh for President ! In 2020 .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 xkryptonx, leapinlizards and TrojanK 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 2 hours ago, Karlston said: eww.. Gross! Karlston and leapinlizards 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 leapinlizards and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 xkryptonx, leapinlizards, Abacaxi and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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