Karlston Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 Shut up Dad I Pawt the Img code inn Karlston, Akaneharuka, PLASMA and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akaneharuka Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 ←Couple Straw This is how you use it → polinom00, Karlston, Radpop and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 There was a nun whose old body began to surrender to time. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day to relax her. Not to be lured into "worldly pleasures", she huffily declined. But the Mother Superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. After a few more years, even that spiked milk couldn't help and the aged sister approached her final hour. As several nuns gathered around her at her bedside, the Mother Superior asked if she wanted to leave them with any words of wisdom. "Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!" Karlston and cosy 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 An old Indian Chief sat in his Hogan on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver. Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled ... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that." Karlston and Pequi 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 Pequi, TrojanK and polinom00 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polinom00 Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 Northeast Canada right now.... Karlston, TrojanK, aum and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 A man bought a mousetrap. When he brought it home, he discovered that he had no cheese to bait it with. So he found a picture of some cheese and put the picture in the trap. The next morning he went to the trap to see if it had caught anything. The picture of the cheese was gone. In its place was a picture of a mouse. jbleck and Karlston 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, 'I'm fine', at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for a long, drawn-out story," the lawyer interrupted,"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine'!" Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side." He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown in to the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, he came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'" Edited January 20, 2020 by aum leapinlizards, Pequi, Karlston and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 polinom00 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polinom00 Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 Well played Flight Centre Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp. Traffic thinned, but the driver still waited. Finally, a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, “The sign says to yield, not give up!” Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 A police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the officer and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World." Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the officer continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled. "Are you sure?" the officer asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it." "In that case," said the officer, "you're under arrest." Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog." leapinlizards, Karlston, Pequi and 1 other 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 (edited) John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned." Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?" Edited January 22, 2020 by aum Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 Carlos told his wife he wanted a guitar to play while sitting in the Jacuzzi. “The next day she bought him an electric guitar.” Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polinom00 Posted January 22, 2020 Share Posted January 22, 2020 Is a picture worth 1000 words...? Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted... They assured him he would be covered. Pequi, Karlston and lurch234 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 A grandmother who took her little grandson to the beach. They were having a good time until a huge wave came in and swept the boy out to sea. She fell down on her knees and pleaded to the heavens, "Please return my grandson, that's all I ask! PLEASE!!!" A moment later, lo and behold, a wave swelled from the ocean and deposited the wet, yet unhurt child, at her feet. She checked him over to make sure that he was okay. He was fine. But still she looked up to the heavens angrily and said, "When we came he had a hat!" Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 A man approached a local person in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?" The local scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger. "I'm driving." "That's the quickest way!" Pequi, Karlston, lurch234 and 1 other 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part." lurch234, Pequi and Karlston 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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