[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee.

 

"This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."

The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.

"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.
 

[aum]

A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation.

 

Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help. The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”

 

The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door.

 

“Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him.

 

“Yes, I did,” said the man.

 

“I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.”
 

 

Edited January 25, 2020 by aum

[polinom00]

[aum]

My 5 year old daughter drew a nice picture of a princess and beautiful flowers and sunshine...

Then she brought the picture to her daddy and said, "Daddy, this is a picture of you and me...

 

but I don't have time to draw you."
 

[aum]

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She wrote her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindgales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"That way, I know my daughters will visit me at least twice a week."
 

[lurch234]

 

 

[lurch234]

A young man announces to his father that he's getting married. His father immediately and repeatedly tells him to apologize.

The son keeps begging his father to know what he should apologize for but to no avail. So the son finally apologizes to his father without knowing why.

The father then says: " You are ready to be married my son because you are now able to apologize without knowing why for the rest of your life"

[Dce3480]

[Karlston]

[morfeus18]

 

[vitorio]

11 hours ago, Karlston said:

Elon Musk should see this!

 

Edited January 25, 2020 by vitorio

[aum]

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back.

 

As he's falling, he realizes his chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down.

 

The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him.

 

In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"

 

The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"

 

Edited January 25, 2020 by aum

[aum]

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not Bad.
 

[polinom00]

[Dce3480]

2020.webp

[aum]

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Bexfield diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Bexfield."
 

[aum]

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,' the attorney reads.

'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.'

'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!'
 

[aum]

The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming.

When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!"

The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."

 

[aum]

The following supposedly a true story.

This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer.

 

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

 

[Dce3480]

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were traveling. The boy rode the donkey while the man walked.

In the first town they went to, the people all said; "How hard for that old man who has to walk!"

The two travelers heard this and decided that the boy should walk and the old man should ride.

In the next town, people whispered, "What a shame, he makes the little boy walk!"

So the pair decided that they should both ride.

In the third town, people all muttered about how cruel it was to make the donkey work so hard.

So the boy and the old man decided to carry the donkey.

On the way to the next town, they had to go across a bridge. As they walked across it, they slipped and the donkey fell in to the river and drowned.

The moral of the story is - If you try to please everyone, you will eventually end up losing your ass.
 

[Karlston]

[Aeracier]

A blonde enters a sex shop to buy a sex toy.
After several minutes, the seller asked if she found what would make her happy.
The young blonde woman replies that she wants to buy 3 sex toys:
- the little rose one
- the big black one
and finally the huge red one

The seller answers that for the little pink one and the big black one there will be no problem .... on the other hand for the fire extinguisher .... you will have to ask the boss of the sex shop



sorry for my english, have fun

[Phragmeister]

When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.
 

Spoiler

I was touched.