lurch234 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 Day #1 of weed being legalized in Chicago. Happy 2020! Spoiler PLASMA, polinom00 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 I wondered if I could get my husband to help me address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let's get these out of the way." He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed. "They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let's go out to dinner and relax." Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 A good-looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey. He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend. He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman's phone number. Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It reads: "Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you're not getting anything from me." The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response. He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out: "Actually, I only have about $300k in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I'm driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence. But If you think I'm cutting off two inches for you, you can f..k right off." polinom00 and cosy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polinom00 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 Karlston and aum 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polinom00 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 aum, Karlston and lurch234 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post PLASMA Posted January 2, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted January 2, 2020 aum, lurch234, Karlston and 4 others 2 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 The foreman on a contracted job started bawling out one of the men, "I've had slow men on jobs before but you are the slowest I've ever seen. Is there anything you are quick with?" "Well," yawned the workman, "nobody can get tired as quick as I can." Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said the man. Six months later the doctor met the man on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Karlston, TrojanK and lurch234 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 Why isn't there democracy in North Korea? Because every time they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle lurch234 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, polinom00 said: Edited January 2, 2020 by Dce3480 polinom00 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 aum 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Michael's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." Michael's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......", then the electric power goes out. Michael's wife is very upset and, with a worried look on her face, she says, "Honey, I don' know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?" With the love and understanding in Michael's voice, like all the men who are married to blondes exhibit, Michael says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time. Karlston and leapinlizards 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town ofJohnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews andtalking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared in front of the congregation.Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,"Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "I been married to your sister for 48 years." Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 Steadfast In My Beliefs: A trusted aid was counseling the senator, "Some of your constituents are beginning to disagree with you." The senator replied, "Keep tabs on them. When enough disagree with me to constitute a reliable majority, I'll turn around and agree with them." Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. He said, I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds. When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped almost twenty pounds. Why, thats amazing! the doctor told him. You did this just by following my instructions? The slimmed down Mr. Johnson nodded. Ill tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. From hunger, you mean. No, replied Mr. Johnson, from skipping. cosy, Karlston, TrojanK and 2 others 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 TrojanK, polinom00 and leapinlizards 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polinom00 Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 aum and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 A gang member was holding his 8-month-old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother". The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!" leapinlizards, PLASMA and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 This is my cat Paco. I also call her exclamation butt. polinom00, cosy, leapinlizards and 1 other 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polinom00 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she was googling my name last night on her computer... I saw it clearly through my binoculars! Karlston, TrojanK and polinom00 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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