lurch234 Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 Kid to his mom: "Mom, was I adopted?" Mother: "Of course not. We wouldn't have chosen you!" Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 A young bride was scouring the aisles of the supermarket. Up and down each aisle she went, then started over again. The store manager noticed this and went over to her. "Can I help you find something, miss?" he asked. "It's Mrs.!", she said proudly, "I just got married." "Congratulations, " said the manager. "What can I help you find?" "Scratch," she replied. "Scratch?" he asked, "Is that a new cleanser or something?" "No silly," she replied brightly ... "My husband told me that his mother made everything from scratch, so I need to find some!" lurch234, Karlston, aum and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 DLord, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 4 Share Posted March 4 ducky88 and haris_sane69 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 4 Share Posted March 4 My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes. I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog. ducky88, TrojanK and Adenman 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 4 Share Posted March 4 Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?" "He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!" "That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse." "How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?" "Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!" Karlston, Adenman and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted March 5 Share Posted March 5 TrojanK, haris_sane69, Karlston and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 5 Share Posted March 5 ducky88 and TrojanK 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 6 Share Posted March 6 ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 6 Share Posted March 6 I was digging in the garden and happened to find a chest with a lot of gold coins. I wanted to run home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in the garden. ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 6 Share Posted March 6 The doctor gave me one month to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 6 Share Posted March 6 What's worse than biting an apple and then discovering a worm? Biting the apple, then discovering half a worm. Karlston, ducky88 and Adenman 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 6 Share Posted March 6 Why can't you have a book on how to commit suicide in a library? Because you wouldn't return it back. Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 6 Share Posted March 6 When I see the lovers' names written on a tree, I don't find it romantic or cute. I find it weird how people would take knives on their dates. Adenman, Karlston and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 6 Share Posted March 6 You're not useless. You can always be used as a bad example. Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 6 Share Posted March 6 A guy went to the cinema one day and noticed an old man with a dog in the front row. It was a sad, funny kind of film and the guy noticed that during the sad parts the dog cried his eyes out, and during the funny parts, the dog laughed its head off. This happened throughout the film. After the film ended, the guy decided to go and speak to the old man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," he said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The old man turned to him and said: "Yeah, it is amazing. He hated the book." Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 6 Share Posted March 6 A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!” His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!” Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook…” Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 6 Share Posted March 6 A sweet old lady telephoned St. Luke's Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?” The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?” The old lady in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Cordova, Room 507.” The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.” After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cadet, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.” The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.” The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?” The old lady said, “No, I’m Norma Cordova in Room 507. No one ever tells me anything about how I’m doing. ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 6 Share Posted March 6 A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: 'Rest in Peace.' The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied: 'Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: 'Congratulations on your new location!'' ducky88, Adenman and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 6 Share Posted March 6 A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 6 Share Posted March 6 The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long." Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve." Joe was surprised. "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly. As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure." The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not." The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old." The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." Adenman, ducky88, funkyy and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 6 Share Posted March 6 I used to think drinking was bad for me. So I gave up thinking. Adenman, TrojanK, Karlston and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 7 Share Posted March 7 TrojanK, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
haris_sane69 Posted March 7 Share Posted March 7 ducky88, funkyy and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rainmaker Posted March 8 Share Posted March 8 // R lurch234, Karlston, funkyy and 3 others 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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