aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?" He quickly replied, "No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people." Adenman, ducky88 and funkyy 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 You know your getting old, when your son's hair is turning gray. Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 My husband calls me the bomb. Not sure if it’s because I’m super attractive or because I might go off any minute! Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side. ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?" Student: "A serious drinking problem." ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 With Elton John being 76, now when you hear him saying "I'm Still Standing!" That means he's waiting for someone to bring him a chair. Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 Tom: Did you ever see a catfish? Joe: Sure! Tom: How did it hold the rod? ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 You know you're having a bad day when your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 aum, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 15 Share Posted February 15 funkyy, aum and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 16 Share Posted February 16 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 16 Share Posted February 16 Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?' Woman: 'Four.' Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?' Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.' Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?' Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.' Karlston and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 16 Share Posted February 16 Lady: Do you drink? Man: Yes Lady: How much a day? Man: 3 6 packs Lady: How much per 6 pack Man: about $10.00 Lady: And how long have you been drinking? Man: 15 years Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct? Man: Correct Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct? Man: Correct Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink? Lady: No Man: Where's your f*cking Ferrari then? Adenman, ducky88 and funkyy 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 16 Share Posted February 16 Harold and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack. "Don't Panic," cried Harold heroically. "I'll land this baby!" Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at LaGuardia Airport, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground. Just as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed, "Red lights!! Right in front of you!" Immediately Harold threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the breaks, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights. "Brother!" he puffed, wiping his brow. "That sure was a short runway!" "Yeah," agreed Al, looking side to side, "but look how wide it is." Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 16 Share Posted February 16 A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout. “Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.” Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch. “That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach. “I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?” “Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey, “let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?” ducky88, funkyy, Adenman and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 J WACKO, funkyy, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute? It was his sixty-second birthday. Karlston, Adenman and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?" "Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake." Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. Adenman and Karlston 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 A man and his wife arrive from a business trip and go to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town. The waiter sits them and says, “Our special today is duck or shrimp.” The man replies, “I want a T-bone steak medium-well.” The waiter, a bit miffed continues, “What about the mad cow?” The man looks at the waiter and says, “She can order for herself.” Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, Greensboro, Tampa and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each Pastor. Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But this time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?" The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now. It's a local call." Adenman, ducky88 and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 17 Share Posted February 17 A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, "Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?" "Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks. The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings." "Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband." Adenman, J WACKO, ducky88 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J WACKO Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 John-"Excuse me, sir, may I have tomorrow afternoon off? The wife wants me to go shopping with her." Boss-"Certainly not." John-"Thank you, sir, I knew you'd understand."🤪 aum, lurch234, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 Spoiler Reminds me of the newspaper For Sale ad... "Large dog for sale. Easy to feed, loves children". J WACKO, lurch234, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 18 Share Posted February 18 A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked. And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony." ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.