aum Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next-door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, “Chicken farming isn’t easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I’ll give you 100 chickens.” The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, “Not too good. All 100 chickens died.” The neighbor said, “Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. I’ll give you 100 more.” Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, “You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.” Astounded, the neighbor asked, “what went wrong? What did you do to them?” Well, says the new farmer, “I’m not sure whether I’m planting them too deep or not far apart enough.” malan, ducky88 and Adenman 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malan Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 Little son and his father are walking in the park. Son asks his father “Daddy, where do I come from?” To which the son's father replies “From a stork boy” Son says “A stork? Millions of women on this planet and you f**k a stork?” funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball." ducky88, Adenman, Karlston and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 Young Maiden: "Yes, I've been asked many times to get married." Friend: "Really, who's asked you?" Young Maiden: "My mother and father." ducky88, funkyy, Adenman and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malan Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense. There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat." Adenman, ducky88 and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 A little old man told his wife, “I have to go to my doctor’s appointment now. I’ll see you later.” After he left, his wife sat down on the couch and watched television. A news report came on that someone was driving down the interstate highway in the wrong direction. Knowing that that was the route he would be on, she called to warn him, “Honey, there’s a car going in the wrong direction!” The husband replied, “They’re all going in the wrong direction!” Adenman, Karlston, funkyy and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funkyy Posted February 28 Share Posted February 28 @aum I'm a Catholic...and I peed myself at that joke....funkyy's going straight to hell. lol aum and Karlston 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 29 Share Posted February 29 What’s a great thing about leap-year jokes? That you only hear them repeated every 4 years. Adenman, ducky88 and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 29 Share Posted February 29 Today is a leap day. Guess you should jump with joy. ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 29 Share Posted February 29 I'm going to get married on February 29th, so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years. ducky88, Adenman and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 29 Share Posted February 29 The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of an enormous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?" ducky88, Adenman and funkyy 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 29 Share Posted February 29 Ever wonder? Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? malan, funkyy, danielson and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 29 Share Posted February 29 funkyy, aum, malan and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412. The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little old tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!" Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618. "Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!" As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan. The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday." funkyy, Adenman, ducky88 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing. The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke." So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number twenty-nine!" This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically. When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, "How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?" "Oh," says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, "we'd never heard that one before." Adenman, funkyy and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week. I don’t know how much she charges. Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi! Karlston, Adenman, Irfannsane and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog waiting for him. The sheepdog says: “I herded the sheep into the barn, just like you asked!” “You sure you got them all?” The farmer replies. “Yep! All 40 of them!” Says the sheepdog. “40? But I only have 37 sheep.” Replies the farmer. The sheepdog answers: “I know. I rounded them up for you.” Irfannsane, Adenman, ducky88 and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 "My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine. She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How far back does your family go?" "I don't know," replied Miriam, "all of our records were lost in the flood." Adenman, Karlston, funkyy and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.” He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, “I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.” The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, “Small World!” ducky88, Adenman and Irfannsane 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
haris_sane69 Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 ducky88, Karlston, lurch234 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.