[JOTD] Joke of the day

February 13

Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.

"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."

Mr. Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"

The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."

February 13

A man goes to see his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously answers, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

February 13

white-easter-bunny-with-eggs-basket-gras

My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter.
"So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?"

Katie replied, "I think it’s my Uncle Brian."

February 13

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blonde replied, 'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

February 13

A farmer named Patrick lived alone in the Irish countryside with his pet dog.

The dog finally died, and Patrick went to the parish priest, saying.

“Father, my dog died. Could you possibly say Mass for the poor creature?”

Father Murphy told the farmer, “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”

Patrick said, “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think €5,000 is enough to donate to the service?”

Father Murphy exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”