aum Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 8 Share Posted February 8 Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 ducky88, lurch234 and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. "Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!" ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends." Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman says, "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!" ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.” “Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!” “Please don’t!” said the dog. “If he finds out I can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone, too!” Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him: "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?" The man replies: "I'm sorry, honey. I ran out of money." Karlston, Adenman and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 9 Share Posted February 9 ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 Adenman, funkyy, ducky88 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 The preacher’s Sunday sermon was “Forgive Your Enemies.” He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80% held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady. “Mrs Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” “I don’t have aпy.” “Mrs Johnson, that is very unusual. How old are you?” “Ninety-three,” she replied. “Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?” The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle aпd said, “I outlived every one of those idiots!” ducky88, Karlston and Adenman 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 10 Share Posted February 10 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check. The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint." ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand. Adenman, ducky88 and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 A man boarded a train and said to the conductor, “I’m a heavy sleeper. Please be sure to wake me at 2:00 a.m. so that I can get off in Atlanta. Whatever I say, get me up. I have an extremely important business there!” The next morning the man woke up in Richmond. He found the conductor and shouted, “Do you know how angry I am?” “Probably about as angry as the man I had get off in Atlanta,” replied the conductor Adenman, ducky88, funkyy and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 11 Share Posted February 11 A little old lady was walking her dog around a lake on a cold winter morning and the lake was still frozen. All of a sudden, her little dog spotted a duck that was walking on the ice and ran out onto the frozen lake to try and catch it. The dog ended up falling through the thin ice, fell into the freezing water and the little old lady started to scream for help. “Help, help, my dog has fallen into the lake”, she cried out in a state of hysteria. Watching all this commotion was a German student, who had been jogging around the park. He sprinted over to the lady and asked, “Vot is zee matter viv your dog, can I za help?” “Oh yes please,” the old lady said. “My dog is in the water over there” and she pointed out to the lake, where how pet pooch was thrashing about in the water, struggling to stay afloat. So, the brave German jogger, without hesitation, waded into the near-freezing water of the lake, saved the dog and placed it on the grass beside the old lady. “Oh you are so kind”, the old lady said, “are you a vet?” “VET!”, replied the German jogger. “VET! I’m f@#@$$$$’ soaked!” ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 This may be surprising for many of my friends, but I happen to have a date for Valentine's Day. It's February 14. Karlston, danielson and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 All of his life Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Gorky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Gorky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, "Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather was born in January, you were born in July." ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?" His friend answered, "Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer." Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 12 Share Posted February 12 My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell. Well he actually said "less McDonald's", but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant. ducky88, Adenman and TrojanK 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 A man had just bought a parrot at an auction after some very spirited bidding. "I suppose that bird talks?" he said to the auctioneer. "Talks!" was the reply. "Who do you think was bidding against you?" Adenman, ducky88 and danielson 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused. It must have been the delivery. ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.