ducky88 Posted October 17, 2022 Share Posted October 17, 2022 When little Johnny was in the fifth grade he looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Johnny, I hope it's not homework again"? "Well, uh, yes it is", replied Johnny. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane". "Johnny, you're right that wasn't a very bright thing to do", said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in". "Oh, but that won't work", said Johnny, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked". aum and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted October 17, 2022 Share Posted October 17, 2022 funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 17, 2022 Share Posted October 17, 2022 The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud. He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 17, 2022 Share Posted October 17, 2022 A woman walked into the kitchen and found her husband walking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” the woman asked. “Hunting mosquitoes” He responded. “Oh, catching any?” She asked. “Yep, two males, two females” said the husband. Intrigued with this information the woman asked: “How can you tell?” Her husband quickly responded: “Two were on a beer can, two were on the phone.” ducky88, Radpop and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 17, 2022 Share Posted October 17, 2022 Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 17, 2022 Share Posted October 17, 2022 ducky88, funkyy and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 17, 2022 Share Posted October 17, 2022 ducky88, Karlston and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 17, 2022 Share Posted October 17, 2022 Who names their dog this? aum, funkyy, TrojanK and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 17, 2022 Share Posted October 17, 2022 Went to an alpaca farm with the family. This was the highlight for me. TrojanK, funkyy, aum and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted October 18, 2022 Share Posted October 18, 2022 What did one toilet say to the other toilet? You look flushed. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 18, 2022 Share Posted October 18, 2022 ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rainmaker Posted October 18, 2022 Share Posted October 18, 2022 // R Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 18, 2022 Share Posted October 18, 2022 A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor and says. "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!" Doctor says "Lets check this out." Looks into the man's ear with his flash light and says, "There's a foreign object in here." Takes his tweezers and pulls it out. Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository." The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone? Need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!" flash13 and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disco Bob Posted October 18, 2022 Share Posted October 18, 2022 5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 other ants. Now they're tenants aum, funkyy, Karlston and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disco Bob Posted October 18, 2022 Share Posted October 18, 2022 I asked my phone "Siri, why am I so bad with women"? She said "I'm Alexa you moron" ducky88, Karlston and flash13 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disco Bob Posted October 18, 2022 Share Posted October 18, 2022 My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns. "OK" I said "Alpaca my bags" ducky88, funkyy, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 18, 2022 Share Posted October 18, 2022 My 73 year old landlady just asked why I have a 5’4” hat in the basement. I don’t know how to explain this. ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted October 19, 2022 Share Posted October 19, 2022 An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure'? 'The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little experiment coming along'? 'Well, it looks like we're about half way there', he replied. 'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches'? 'No, it's turned black'. Disco Bob and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted October 19, 2022 Share Posted October 19, 2022 Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? It's too time-consuming. Disco Bob, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 19, 2022 Share Posted October 19, 2022 ducky88, Disco Bob, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted October 19, 2022 Share Posted October 19, 2022 My best friend's grandma made these before she passed away to give out at her funeral. What an icon pc71520, aum, funkyy and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 At a party, a young wife admonished her husband: “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?” “Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.” danielson, Karlston and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ... including the curtain rods. ducky88, Karlston and pc71520 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 Things You'd Never Know If It Weren't For The Movies Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed. One of a pair of identical twins is evil. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one...dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, heiroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22. Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once. All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops. It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down. If someone says 'I'll be right back', they won't. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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