[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

 

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

 

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

 

"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

 

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

 

"Yes", came the answer.

 

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".

 

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

 

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".

 

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?

 

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

 

"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.

 

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

 

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

 

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"

 

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?

 

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

 

"They're looking for me"

 

[aum]

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean.

 

All of a sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

 

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him.

 

His boat is a way off and he starts swimming like crazy.

 

He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams,

 

“Oh, God! Save me!”

 

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above.

 

The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”

 

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can’t lie the man replies, “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”

 

The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

 

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

 

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says,

 

“Thank you, Lord, for this food for which I am about to receive.”

 

[aum]

An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness.

A lady next To him says, “What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too.”

 

Irish man – “I’m celebrating.”

Lady – “Me too.”

Irish man – “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?”

Lady – “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I’m pregnant!”

Irishman – “What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!”

Lady – “Wow! How did that happen?”

Irishman – “I used a different cock.”

 

Lady smiled and said, “What a coincidence!”

[Karlston]

Pinky and the Brain

[Akaneharuka]

[pc71520]

What has Keys, Locks and Space

but no Room?

 

A Computer!

[aum]

After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back."

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Don’t you hate:
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time, I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". No kidding! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course, it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you?
When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came, would I be standing here?
People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So, what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that good?' No, it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
 

[pc71520]

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

 

The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?” 

[Disco Bob]

TEACHER : “ your grammar is sh*t. ?”
ME : “ and your Grandad’s a Tw*t . !!!”

[aum]

The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday morning service. While most of the people told the minster how much they liked his message, one man seemingly had a different opinion. “That was a very dull and boring sermon, Pastor,” he said.

 

The pastor was a bit baffled by this, but he continued shaking hands.

 

A few minutes later, the same man again appeared in line and said, “I don’t think you did much in the way of preparation for your message. ”Once again, the man circled back and appeared in line, this time muttering, “You really blew it. You didn’t have a thing to say, Pastor.”

 

Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the deacons and inquired about the man.

 

“Oh, don’t let that guy bother you,” said the deacon.

 

“He’s a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying.”

 

[Disco Bob]

I bought the wife a Pug yesterday .
Apart from the bulging eyes weird nose and it’s tongue hanging out , I think the dog liked her !!!!

[pc71520]

 

[Karlston]

Could still be a good time

[pc71520]

How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?

Approximately 1 GB. 

[aum]

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.

 

The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

 

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”

 

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”

 

The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s not old age?”

 

The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.

Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”

 

“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”

 

“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the same age!”

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four . "
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"
The woman answered, " Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."

[pc71520]

A sign on a cosmetic-surgery-clinic says:
"If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons."

[aum]

A dog walks into a butcher shop.

 

The butcher asks, “What do you want?”

The dog points to steak in a glass case.

“How many pounds?” The dog barks twice.

“Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times.

So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth.

He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.

 

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in.

As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”

“Remarkable?” snorts the owner.

 

“This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

 

 

[pc71520]

Little John farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing.

 

The principal walks by and sees him.

He asks, “Little John, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?”

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.”

 

The principal asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Because those idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart while I’m outside in the fresh air.”

[aum]

I told my brother he was born on the highway.

After all, that’s where most accidents happen.

 

[Karlston]

[Karlston]