aum Posted June 7, 2020 Share Posted June 7, 2020 A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. flash13, Karlston, kyber and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 7, 2020 Share Posted June 7, 2020 A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh*t." ghost and Pequi 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 7, 2020 Share Posted June 7, 2020 His girlfriend’s father was interviewing Young Charles. “So,” said the father, “you want to be my son-in-law, do you?" “No, not particularly,” said Charles tactlessly, “but if I want to marry your daughter I haven’t much choice, have I?” J WACKO, Karlston, Pequi and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 7, 2020 Share Posted June 7, 2020 I see the problem... the thick speckled cable is unplugged... Pequi, Krinal and kyber 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
morfeus18 Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 (edited) Edited June 8, 2020 by morfeus18 Karlston and TrojanK 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 "Time separates the best of friends," said one women to another. "How true," replied the other. "Twenty years ago we were fifteen, now you're thirty-five and I'm twenty-nine!" Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 A man comes home from working at a pickle factory and he seems troubled. His wife asks him what's wrong and the man says, "Oh, nothing. I just... well... recently I've had an uncontrollable urge to put my p...s in the pickle slicer." His wife nearly faints, then she blurts out: "Why? You need to go see someone. I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist or someone tomorrow." The man protests, "No, no. It's fine. Really. I'm not going to do it." Everything is fine for a few weeks, but then the man comes home early from work and he's pale as a ghost. His wife inquires, "What's the matter? You look terrible!" The husband tells her, "Well, remember when I said I wanted to put my p...s in the pickle slicer?" The wife gasps, "You did? What happened?" The man starts to cry. "I got fired!" "I don't care about that! Are you okay? What happened with the pickle slicer?" The man sobs, "She got fired, too." kyber, leapinlizards and Pequi 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 8, 2020 Share Posted June 8, 2020 An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, " Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..." The wife replies, "Yes, go on tell me." So the husband says "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married." The wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare." The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream." Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things. Doctor: Since when have you had this condition? Patient: What condition? kyber, Pequi, syd5237 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 9, 2020 Share Posted June 9, 2020 There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six." His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids. One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "mother of six, are you ready to go?" Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of four." TrojanK, kyber, haris_sane69 and 3 others 2 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 Two donkeys are standing at a roadside, one asks the other: So, shall we cross? The other shakes his head: "No way, look at what happened to the zebra." Karlston and Pequi 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have? I planted myself on the sofa at the start of April and I’ve grown bigger ever since. leapinlizards, Pequi, Karlston and 1 other 2 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 10, 2020 Share Posted June 10, 2020 Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face. The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?" The first one replied, "I came here for blood test." The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?" The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger." Hearing this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?" Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test." H Hayat, Karlston, kyber and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 11, 2020 Share Posted June 11, 2020 I didn't want to be traditional so I renamed the washroom at home from the "John" to the "Jim". Spoiler I feel so much better when I've been to the Jim in the morning. --- Krinal and kyber 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ajay1982 Posted June 11, 2020 Share Posted June 11, 2020 Teacher: How much is a gram? Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need Boy: The principal is so dumb! Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No... Girl: I am the principal's daughter! Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No... Boy: Good! *Walks away* kyber and TrojanK 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted June 11, 2020 Share Posted June 11, 2020 (edited) “Daddy, what is an alcoholic?” “Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.” “Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.” _______________________________________________ Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up. You don’t need make-up, Jane. Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery. _______________________________________________ Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation. Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too. Edited June 11, 2020 by Rajeshl PLASMA, Pequi, TrojanK and 3 others 2 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 11, 2020 Share Posted June 11, 2020 I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately. It means a lot to him. Karlston, flash13 and Pequi 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 11, 2020 Share Posted June 11, 2020 An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?" "Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods." The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?" "Yes, says Sam. "I saw him do it." Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?" Sam says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?" flash13, Karlston, haris_sane69 and 2 others 3 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 11, 2020 Share Posted June 11, 2020 A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong." Karlston and flash13 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post aum Posted June 11, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted June 11, 2020 The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed." flash13, haris_sane69, NorthEastKnight and 5 others 3 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Karlston Posted June 11, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted June 11, 2020 I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom". Spoiler I can barely walk but whenever I pass wind the room smells lovely. Roy786, Pequi, kyber and 4 others 3 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akaneharuka Posted June 12, 2020 Share Posted June 12, 2020 The Girl: i pretty or ugly? The Boy: you are both The Girl: so am i pretty or ugly? The Boy: you are pretty ugly. Pequi, ghost, Krinal and 2 others 1 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted June 12, 2020 Share Posted June 12, 2020 (edited) She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go… He: Just call in sick then. _________________________________________________ Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much? A. They can’t stand fast food. Edited June 12, 2020 by Rajeshl Roy786, Akaneharuka, syd5237 and 3 others 2 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ajay1982 Posted June 12, 2020 Share Posted June 12, 2020 Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field Pequi and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Akaneharuka Posted June 12, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted June 12, 2020 NorthEastKnight, Ajay1982, haris_sane69 and 6 others 2 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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