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[JOTD] Joke of the day


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Lost in translation....

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”


"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."


His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
 

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This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.

 

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies.

 

"So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."

 

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

 

The owner replies, "He's such a f*cking liar."
 

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Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs..."AMEN, BROTHER!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again..."PREACH IT, REVEREND!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying...they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER...TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet, and one turned to the other and said, "He's done quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
 

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An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your kid to work Day'.


As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky.


Her father asked what was wrong.


As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"
 

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Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon.


"Man," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's panties off!"


"What's the rush?" his buddy asked.


"The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"
 

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A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
 

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An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Zufer has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
 

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Some groaners...

 

My parents were hippies.


They always told me there would be no sweets until I smoked my greens.

 


 

If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world, then Who is.

 


 

"The trouble with quotes on the internet is you can never tell if they're genuine."

 

- Abraham Lincoln

 


 

To celebrate International Coffee Day:

 

This morning I made my coffee with Red Bull (an energy drink)  instead of water.


After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.

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Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.


However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."


Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

 

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It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

 

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My car has a bumper sticker that reads "Honk if you think I'm sexy."

 

Spoiler

Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself.

 

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