[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum 4,547]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
 

[Karlston 23,396]

I got a new stick deodorant today.

 

The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom".

 

Spoiler

I can barely walk but whenever I pass wind the room smells lovely.

 

[Akaneharuka 1,338]

The Girl: i pretty or ugly?

The Boy: you are both

The Girl: so am i pretty or ugly?

The Boy: you are pretty ugly.

[Krinal 1,095]

She: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…

He: Just call in sick then.

 

 

_________________________________________________

 

 

Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much? 

A. They can’t stand fast food.

Edited June 12, 2020 by Rajeshl

[Ajay1982 35]

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

 

 

Because he was outstanding in his field

[Akaneharuka 1,338]

[Krinal 1,095]

I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people.

But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

[Karlston 23,396]

[Krinal 1,095]

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” 

Patient: “OK.” 

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

 

___________________________________________________________

 

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow.

When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

Edited June 13, 2020 by Rajeshl

[Akaneharuka 1,338]

 

Edit

 

Edited June 13, 2020 by Akaneharuka

[Karlston 23,396]

[Krinal 1,095]

“Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”

The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?

 

_______________________________________________

 

Q: Is Google male or female?

A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

 

_____________________________________________

 

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?  

Her: Awww... Yes!!!  

Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.

 

 

Edited June 14, 2020 by Rajeshl

[Karlston 23,396]

[Krinal 1,095]

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"

"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.

After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"

"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

Edited June 15, 2020 by Rajeshl

[polinom00 3,459]

No thank you.

[Krinal 1,095]

An uneducated father with his educated son went for a camping they set up a tent and slept.

Father gets up after sometime and asks his son "what can you see in the sky?"

son : I can see many stars. 

father : what does it resemble?

son : there are many planets. 

father beats on his sons head and says

"Someone has stolen our tent"

[Karlston 23,396]

[Krinal 1,095]

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?

Employee: No, because there is no proof of it.

Boss: Well there is now !

Employee: How?

Boss: When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle's funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.

[Karlston 23,396]

[Karlston 23,396]

Son finally got a girlfriend long enough to feel confident enough to introduce her to his parents.

 

He set off with girlfriend in her car but got a flat tyre on the way.

 

In case the parents were worried he called them up to explain, mum answered the phone, ''Hi Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

 

Spoiler

"Oh" she sighed. "and there was I thinking you were bringing a real one"

 

[Krinal 1,095]

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion.

The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!”

The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”

[flash13 15,648]

[Rainmaker 120]

Pro Tip. If you find yourself dreaming, and you happen to see a toilet, don't use it.

 

//R

[Krinal 1,095]

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

[Karlston 23,396]

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

 

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

 

Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

 

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

 

Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.

 

 Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

 

 Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

 

 Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

 

 Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.