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[JOTD] Joke of the day


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Lost in translation....

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
 

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A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”


Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.


The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
 

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Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 Months, 10 weeks, 10 years ? "

Doctor: "Nine...eight...seven...

Edited by Abacaxi
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Husband: Wow, honey, you look really different today. Did you do something to your hair?
-
Wife: Michael, I’m over here!

=========================================================================

 

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
 
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
 
Doctor: “Every two hours.”

Edited by Abacaxi
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2 minutes ago, Abacaxi said:

It has four legs and it can fly, what is it?

 

Thanks, reminds me of an old favourite...

 

What do you call a fly with no wings?

 

Spoiler

A walk.

 

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Doctor says to his patient: “Your liver results are back. And frankly, they’re very surprising considering that I only allowed you one glass of wine per week.”
-
The patient shrugs: “Do you really think you are the only doctor I am going to?”

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What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
-
Snowballs.

 

 

=========================================================================

surgeon Operation Joke

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(1)

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

 

==================================================================================

(2)

Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
 
= You don’t need make-up, Jane.
 
Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
 
= You need plastic surgery.

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(1)

 

Doctor: “Do you do sports?”

Patient: “Does sex count?”

Doctor: “Yes.”

Patient: “Then no.”

 

 

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(2)

 

A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.
 

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Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.

They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
 

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A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
 

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