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[JOTD] Joke of the day


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Lost in translation....

21 minutes ago, Ajay1982 said:

What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing…It just waved

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

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A couple drives to the hospital because the wife is in labor.

The doctor alerts them that she invented a machine that will transfer some of the labor pain to the father, if they'd like.

The husband eagerly says, "Give it all to me!"

The couple returns home with a bouncing baby boy, only to find the mailman dead on their lawn.

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One day a priest asks one of his male church member if he wanted to make a donation for his new fund to help the local prostitutes.

"Sorry, father" The man replied. "They cost me a pretty penny as it is!"

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During a bank robbery, the thief's mask slipped off.

He fixed it and asked a hostage, "Did you see my face?"

The hostage had, so the thief killed him.

He asked the next hostage, same result.

After he asked a third hostage, the guy responded, "No, but my wife did."

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Santa, standing on a railway platform, suddenly runs and stands on the tracks.

Banta: "Santa, move out of the way! The train is arriving!"

Santa: "Haven't you heard the announcement that the train is arriving on the platform?"

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Boy: if you are smiling send me your smiles

- if you are sleeping send me your dreams

- if you are crying send me your tears

I LOVE YOU!

Girl: I am in the toilet what do i send?

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A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.

Did you say hello?"  

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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

 

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

 

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'

 

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

 

The defence attorney nearly died.

 

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
 

Spoiler

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

 

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Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?" 

Mr. Jeffries: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

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A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.


"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.


The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."
 

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