Karlston Posted December 10, 2019 Share Posted December 10, 2019 vitorio and Matrix 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polinom00 Posted December 11, 2019 Share Posted December 11, 2019 Karlston and Matrix 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PLASMA Posted December 11, 2019 Share Posted December 11, 2019 What a week.....! 🔞 cosy, phen0men4 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted December 11, 2019 Share Posted December 11, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119." Karlston, leapinlizards and TrojanK 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle. "Can you imagine, a people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?" When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast." Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. One day, Carlos asked Jose: “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?” “Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose. Carlos’ sign reads: “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.” Jose says: “no wonder you only get $2-3.” ‘Carlos says: “So what does your sign say then?” Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted December 12, 2019 Share Posted December 12, 2019 polinom00 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cosy Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 TODAY There are no jokes any more Karlston, vitorio, haris_sane69 and 2 others 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted December 14, 2019 Share Posted December 14, 2019 polinom00 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polinom00 Posted December 14, 2019 Share Posted December 14, 2019 Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted December 14, 2019 Share Posted December 14, 2019 polinom00 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath." The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he decides to ask a minister. The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath. Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that sex is work?" The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it." cosy and leapinlizards 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polinom00 Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 Russian police arresting an Australian tourist Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 polinom00 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polinom00 Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polinom00 Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 Karlston, cosy and TrojanK 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rainmaker Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot. “Lord,” he prayed, “I can’t stand this. If you open space up for me, I swear I’ll give up drinking me whisky, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.” Suddenly, the clouds parted, and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, “Never mind, I found one.” //R leapinlizards, polinom00, Karlston and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polinom00 Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 Me: "I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes." Friend: "How?" Me: "I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven." polinom00, Karlston, Matrix and 3 others 1 3 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cosy Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 FRIEND:- I looked in his eyes and I knew he was a teacher ANOTHER:_:- wow! He is indeed a teacher THIRD ONE:- How did you know, he was a teacher? FRIEND:- I saw his pupils Karlston, polinom00, haris_sane69 and 1 other 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 polinom00 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polinom00 Posted December 17, 2019 Share Posted December 17, 2019 jbleck, Matrix, haris_sane69 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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