[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"

The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

 

[aum]

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"  

 

[J WACKO]

11 hours ago, aum said:

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"

The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

 

That seems to be our childhood story , we used to do that very often , on same note just remembered one of my friend once tricked a stranger to address a senior in our area as per native slang which used to irritate the senior so much that he can kill anyone if someone say that word to him, obviously at the end that stranger and the senior had to be parted way as they were scuffling, we all got beating from our parents and did not cross path with the senior for almost a month.. those were the days.  😃

[lurch234]

"My wife lost her credit cards the other day" a friend says to the other.

"I told her she wouldn't get any replacements until the old ones are found!"

"Did you report the cards as missing?" the other friend asks.

"Hell no! Whoever has them is spending much less then her!"

[lurch234]

If I said you have a beautiful body,  would you hold it against me?

[Karlston]

[aum]

A Prius just tried to race me at the light.

I totally had it for the first 100 meters, but I can only walk so fast.

 

[aum]

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.
"But wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.

"Well? Won't they find out?"

"And who's gonna tell?"

 

[aum]

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

[aum]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees wasn’t in and had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper:

“Hello?”

“Is your daddy home?” He asked.

“Yes.” Whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?”

The child whispered. “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked. “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes .”

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered. “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked.

“Is anybody else there?”

“Yes.” Whispered the child. “A policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked.

“May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy.” Whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.” Came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked.

“What is that noise?”

“A helicopter.” Answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” Demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered.

“The search team just landed a helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated the boss asked:

“What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…

“Me.”

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[aum]

Always follow your dreams!

Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

 

[aum]

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"

 

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

 

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

 

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli.

 

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

 

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

 

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

 

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.

 

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

 

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

 

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."

 

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

 

"But it's just not...."

 

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

 

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.

 

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."

 

Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.

 

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

 

"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."

 

[aum]

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

 

[aum]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

 

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

 

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

 

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

 

The frog warrned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

 

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

 

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

 

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

 

The frog inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

 

[aum]

If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?

 

[funkyy]

@aum  It's somewhere in hell.

[Karlston]

[aum]

An elderly couple were sitting outdoors at a cafe when they noticed an old man who seemed to be having trouble crossing the street with an ungainly shuffle.

 

The man said to his wife, “He surely has bad arthritis to walk like that.”

His wife replied, “No, that’s definitely old time rheumatism.”

They couldn’t agree so the man decided to ask the old man.

 

He walked over to him and said, “Excuse me, sir, but my wife and I saw you having difficulty crossing the street and I told her that you have arthritis but she insisted that you have rheumatism.

Which one of us was wrong?”

The old man said, “The three of us were wrong.”

“Three of us were wrong? How so?” asked the man.

 

To which the old man replied, “You were wrong when you said I had arthritis, your wife was wrong when she said I had rheumatism, and I was wrong when I thought I just had to pass gas.”

[aum]

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says to himself with caution, “This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”

 

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.

 

The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about tocrun he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea.

He says loudly, “Mmm…that was delicious lion meat!”

 

The lion abruptly stops and says “Woah! This guy must be tougher then he looks…I better leave while I can.”

 

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.

 

Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.

 

So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll go get him together.”

 

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts,

 

“Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!”

 

[vitorio]

What a dog!!!

[aum]

[aum]

I was raised as an only child.

That got on my brother’s nerves.

 

[aum]

I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.

 

I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

 

"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."

 

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"