[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Disco Bob]

The Wife said to "me how many Women have you slept with ?",

I replied "only you Love the others kept me awake all Night".

[ducky88]

There was this world famous painter.

In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.

The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office,

especially that large eye on the wall"?

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist'".

[pc71520]

A doctor is given some papers to sign.

 

He reaches into his pocket to get his pen and,

to his surprise,

pulls out a rectal thermometer instead.

 

He exclaims, "Some asshole stole my pen!" 

[aum]

As my family was leaving Disney World, my daughter waved and said, "Goodbye Minnie!"
My son waved and said, "Goodbye Mickey!"

I waved and said, "Goodbye money!"

 

 

[aum]

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.

"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"
GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"
GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."

The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"

 

GOD said, "In a minute."

 

[Karlston]

This decal is a cheap fix!

[aum]

The new associate pastor, nervous about hearing confessions asks an older priest to listen in.

 

Several penitents later, his mentor offers a few suggestions.“Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand,” he says. “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on. I understand. How did you feel about that?”

 

The new priest tries out the words and gestures.

 

The old priest says, “Good, now, don’t you think that's a little better than slapping you knew and saying, ‘No way! You did what?'"

 

[aum]

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

 

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

 

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and

a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

 

[Disco Bob]

ME :" Love there's a witch at the door what shall I do ?"

WIFE :" Just give it sweets & tell it to f*ck off "

ME : "don't think your mother gonna speak to me any-more !!!!"

[aum]

[pc71520]

Why are Cats so good at Video Games?

Because they have Nine (9) Lives! 

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

Netflix is going to reconnect for me in 2 billion Seven hundred and forty one CENTURIES!!! Thanks Netflix

[ducky88]

When I was eighteen, I used to touch my toes twenty times each morning,

these days I have a cup of coffee and wave at them.

[pc71520]

A guy goes in for a Job Interview and sits down with the Boss.
The boss asks him, “What do you think is your Best Quality?”

"I’m great at Multitasking," replies the guy:

 

"All at once,

I can Waste Time,

be Unproductive,

and

Procrastinate ".

 

 

[aum]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

 

Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

 

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

 

"What does that tell you?"

 

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Weather-wise, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

 

What does it tell you?"

 

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, my dear friend, someone has stolen our tent."

 

[aum]

[Karlston]

There was a moth in our kitchen

[Karlston]

Halloween is over, they are coming

[aum]

John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she blindfold him and takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, John! How ya doin?"
Once inside his wife removes the blindfold but she's puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says John. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

John tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him or someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez John, you picked up a real bitch this time."

[aum]

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

 

[pc71520]

What’s the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One is very Heavy, the other is a little...Lighter...

[aum]

[aum]

[Karlston]

I live out in the country and my front door is at the back of my house, so I was getting missed at Halloween. So I made myself a sign