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[JOTD] Joke of the day


rudrax

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The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

 

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

 

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

 

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"

 

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

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Hopefully he's wearing the same blue top or they'll never find him

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I got attacked by ransomware and was asked for money.


I sent them my pay stub.


Not only did they immediately remove the malware from my system, but they also put some money into my account.

 

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Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.


It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.


He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.


One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

 

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."


Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an e*ection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an e*ection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "IT" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?" asked Jeff.
"I kicked her in the face."

 
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Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

 

"Hey Joe, he yells out - I didn't know you were into earrings."

 

"Don't make such a big deal out of it,...it's only an earring." Says Joe sheepishly.

 

"No really," probes Morris, "How long have you been wearing one?"

 

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

 

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My colorblind husband did the laundry :)

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I like to make my wife lattes in the morning, it gives me a chance to slip in subliminal messages

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Boy: The principal is so dumb!

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No...

Girl: I am the principal's daughter!

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No!

Boy: Good! (Walks away).

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Americans are getting stronger.

 

20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries.

 

Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!

 

Edited by aum
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A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking blonde and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby.

 

For whatever reason, she decided to do it.

 

When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her: "Don't you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?"

 

The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive, and decided to show those boys a thing or two.

 

The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming.

 

"What are you so happy about?" asked her mother.

 

"I totally showed them. Today I didn't even wear underwear!"

 

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