[JOTD] Joke of the day

[STEEL]

[STEEL]

[Turk]

Well, what should I do to improve my game?" - the man asked the golf pro.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW!, he hit the ball 250 metres straight up the fairway.

The ecstatic man went back home to tell his wife the good news about his lesson, and

the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.

The next day, the wife went for her lesson.

The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asked the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's' dick."

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!

-- the ball skipped down the fairway about 5 metres.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected,' The pro said, "now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands!

[x_engineer_x]

IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN ...

Who's jolly and cute,

Wearing a beard and

a red flannel suit,

And if he is chuckling

and laughing away,

While flying around

in a miniature sleigh,

With eight tiny reindeer

to pull him along,

Then let's face it...

Your eggnog's too strong!

Merry Christmas

and a

Happy 2O14!

[kn_andre]

The 4th AffairA woman was in bed with her loverwhen she heard her husbandopening the front door.'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'She rubbed baby oil all over him,then dusted him with talcum powder.'Don't move until I tell you,'she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.''What's this?' the husband inquiredas he entered the room.'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.'The Smiths bought one and I liked itso I got one for us, too.'No more was said,not even when they went to bed.Around 2 AM the husband got up,went to the kitchen and returnedwith a sandwich and a beer.'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.I stood like that for two days at the Smithsand nobody offered me a damned thing.'

Epic .............. Nice one @Turk .... LoL Galore... Cheers

[Turk]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His bomb shell blonde wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a localstrip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

[x_engineer_x]

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner)

[SlimRock]

Husband and wife were waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids were able to fit onto the bus..
So the husband and the blind man decided to walk. After a while,the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man, whenever he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up." :lol:

[SlimRock]

[kn_andre]

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

It just keep going Down Hill for him ... Now, How the Heck is he gonna Explain this Cabby's Remark to his Irate Wife ??? LoL .. I think his Luck just Ran out ... Hehehehe .. Thanks for sharing this Funny Joke .. Cheers ...

[STEEL]

[STEEL]

[Turk]

After a hard golf Sunday coming back home, hubby finds his blonde wife questioning him how much he loves her:

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you screw her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - silence - -

HUSBAND: F * ck ..

[x_engineer_x]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. She had just entered the third shop where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible. When she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital. Anyhow, she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it's likely be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!" T he woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried. The lady doctor then laughed and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.

[SlimRock]

[STEEL]

[STEEL]

[Turk]

Bob decides to leave parent home to live with his girl friend. Having no such previous experience, seeks his parents' advice to follow in hard times, after mother's one hour long lecture, dad gives him a short list, and says memorise and always keep it in your wallet:

Women Vocabulary

Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and

you need to shut up.

Five Minutes

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more

minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you

should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually

end in "fine".

Go Ahead

This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh

It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she

is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a

man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before

deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks

This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a

woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome

and back out of the room slowly.

[Turk]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a

bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for

help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back

in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied

He nodded knowingly and said,

"Then your stance is too wide."

[kn_andre]

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuu ... Now i know the True Reason why some Men do not Allow their Wives/Girlfriends to take Yoga Classes !!!!!!!!!!...

But on a Side note though - Are Yoga Teachers Allowed to Touch/Hold women this way Or is this just Photoshopped ??? :P

[kn_andre]

Bob decides to leave parent home to live with his girl friend. Having no such previous experience, seeks his parents' advice to follow in hard times, after mother's one hour long lecture, dad gives him a short list, and says memorise and always keep it in your wallet:Women VocabularyFineThis is the word women use to end an argument when they are right andyou need to shut up.Five MinutesIf she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 moreminutes to watch the game before helping around the house.NothingThis is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and youshould be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usuallyend in "fine".Go AheadThis is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!Loud SighIt means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why sheis wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".That's OkayThis is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to aman. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard beforedeciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.ThanksThis is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If awoman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcomeand back out of the room slowly.

Why @Turk ?? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ..... Why Would you Reveal these Sacred Secrets of Women here in the Open ???? Oh Snap ..... i Hope @RogerD will not read this .. Please Mods, help me out and Delete this Post before more Havoc is done to the Mystique of the Female Gender ... :P

Edited December 23, 2013 by kn_andre

[kn_andre]

After a hard golf Sunday coming back home, hubby finds his blonde wife questioning him how much he loves her:WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?HUSBAND: Definitely not!WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?HUSBAND: Of course I do.WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).HUSBAND: Makes audible groan).WIFE: Would you live in our house?HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.WIFE: Would you screw her in our bed?HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.WIFE: - silence - -HUSBAND: F * ck ..

Entrapment at Its Best .. And we Thought Only Blondes were Dumb .. :P

[kn_andre]

I am thinking this Dentist Clinic will be Overflowing with Many Male Patients and more on their waiting Lists than they can Handle .. Getting Rubbed all over with those Sexy Boobs?? How many men will Want to Resist that ?? Its Just like getting your Kidney Stones removed by the Women at Hooters :P ..

[Turk]

Why @Turk ?? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ..... Why Would you Reveal these Sacred Secrets of Women here in the Open ????

Well, I love and respect women. In this JOTD context, I also like their rules, too:)

[Tharixxx]

When Couple Showers Together