[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Roger D]

Absolutely Hilarious ... @Roger D, your Once again getting Warmed up.. If you Keep on throwing Funny Bombs this way, then am thinking you might Dethrone @slimrock off his Tittle ... LoL So Funny ... Hmmmm and who Knows?? Maybe you might get Lucky with me again ???? Cheers ....

Aah! Babe I'm too lucky to get you.. :wub: :wub: Now Just stop fighting, :lol: come back and hug me.. :hug:

[SlimRock]

For many decades, two heroic statues of a male and a female faced each other in a city park until, one day, an angel came down from heaven with an announcement for them.

“You’ve been such exemplary statues for the community that I’m going to give you a special gift and bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time can do anything you want.” Then, with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly at first, but soon dashed for the bushes. Soon after, the angel could hear a good deal of giggling, laughter and shaking of branches. Then, fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.

“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel as he winked at each of them. Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Let’s do it again. Only this time, you hold down the pigeon down and I’ll shit on it’s head!” :P

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man and his wife decide to book a hotel room for the night of their 25th wedding anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks like I did a pretty good job!” :dribble: :rofl:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A carpenter on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw to cut some timber. Looking past the scaffolding at edge of the building, he spots one of the laborers on the first floor and yells to get the man’s attention, but the man indicates that he can’t hear. So, the carpenter decides to try to use signs to convey his message. First, he points to his eye, meaning, “I”, then at his knee, meaning, “need”, then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, “handsaw”.

The man on the first floor nods, then soon drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor panics and runs down to the first floor yelling, ”What the hell is wrong with you? I was saying that I need a handsaw!”

The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ”I know that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming!” :naughty:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and
said, "I've got to take a shit."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The
other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea--
I'll use that!"
He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to
you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?" :lmao:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the

frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for
certain how often someone had sex.
To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went
down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the
person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often
each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to
ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man
said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No."
When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.
The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this
individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy
about?"
The man answered, "Tonight's the night!" :w00t: :w00t: :w00t: :w00t:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him

back to their camp to meet the chief.

The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for

three days.

At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The indians get his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps
the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse
comes back with a naked blonde.
She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The
Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think
one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him
his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something
in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the
horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the
teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die
tomorrow ... can only think one thing." The last day comes, and the
chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him
his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard
and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!" :dance: :dance:

[STEEL]

:lol: :P

[STEEL]

[Roger D]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms..

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of

'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!' Here I come again!

ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ...

UGH!'... ALL NIGHT LONG.. ;) ;) ;)

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' :rolleyes:

The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing.. I just couldn't get an erection.' :( :(

The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing?

I couldn't get on the bed... :snooty: :snooty:

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

[Turk]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the post man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'

[SlimRock]

Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. “Did you get that for your birthday?” – asked Johnny.

“Nope.” – replied Jimmy. “Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”

Again Jimmy said “Nope.” “You didn't steal it, did you?” – asked Johnny.

“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?” “I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.” :D

[kn_andre]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the post man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'

Hilarious ........ LoL ... Crazy, Talkative and Horny Bird all in One. What more can one ask for in a Pet ??? Thanks for Sharing ... Cheers ..

[kn_andre]

Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. “Did you get that for your birthday?” – asked Johnny.

“Nope.” – replied Jimmy. “Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”

Again Jimmy said “Nope.” “You didn't steal it, did you?” – asked Johnny.

“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?” “I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.” :D

A child watching his Parents Romp in bed ...... Hmmmmm I bet the Images is going to Scar him for Life! hehehehe .... Nice Jokes .. Cheers

[SlimRock]

The new bride tells her husband, 'Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about s*x . Can you explain it to me first?' :console:

'OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' :banned:and call my private thing 'the prisoner' :lock: . So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. :hug: :wub:

And then they made love for the first time. :tehe:

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction, Nudging him, his bride giggles, 'Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.' :ermm:

Turning on his side, he smiles. 'Then we will have to re-imprison him.' :naughty:

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, 'Honey, the prisoner is out again!' :eekout:

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal, afterwards he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, 'Honey, the prisoner escaped again.' :pirate:

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, 'Hey, it's not a life sentence, OKAY! :rofl: :dribble:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy is watching a film :snack: with creepy organ music on the TV :stereo: when he suddenly yells, “Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!” :pope:

His wife asks him, “What are you watching?” :battle:

Husband replies, “Our bloody wedding video” :lol:

[lurch234]

Kiss under the missiletoe...

I didn't make this btw

Edited December 5, 2013 by lurch234

[Turk]

Anne and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25

years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Anne

went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem

they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,

emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable,

an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over

the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a

sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked

around the desk and after asking Anne to stand,

embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands

on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while

kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with

a raised eyebrow!

Anne shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly

sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is

what your wife needs at least three times a week..

Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I

can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but

on Fridays, I play golf.

[SlimRock]

Two Women were chatting in office: :secret:

Woman 1: "I had a fine evening, how was yours?"

Woman 2: "It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell asleep.. :sleep:

How was yours.. ??

Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour, then when we came home he lit the candles around the house.. It was like a fairy tale!" :wub:

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.. :naughty:

Husband 1:"How was your evening?"
Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. :sleep:

What about you?"
Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there was no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took the missus out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home i remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!" :rofl:

[kn_andre]

Kiss under the missiletoe...

I didn't make this btw

Kiss under the missiletoe...

I didn't make this btw

LoL Nice Spin on Word Play .. Funny Indeed ... Cheers

[kn_andre]

The new bride tells her husband, 'Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about s*x . Can you explain it to me first?' :console:

'OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' :banned:and call my private thing 'the prisoner' :lock: . So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. :hug: :wub:

And then they made love for the first time. :tehe: Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction, Nudging him, his bride giggles, 'Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.' :ermm:

Turning on his side, he smiles. 'Then we will have to re-imprison him.' :naughty: After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, 'Honey, the prisoner is out again!' :eekout:

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal, afterwards he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.She nudges him and says, 'Honey, the prisoner escaped again.' :pirate: Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, 'Hey, it's not a life sentence, OKAY! :rofl: :dribble:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hahahahahahaha .. Its a Life Sentence so long as you remain Married ... The Prisoner Must Always " Enter " as long as the Prison is " Open " .. Even when you get Divorced or Separated , There is will be another Prisoner who will Come Along to " Fill " the Prison .... Lmao ... Thanks for making me Laugh @slimrock ... Cheers too ..

[Turk]

Stella Awards 2006?

That year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,

Oklahoma.

Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor

home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven

onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left

the driver's seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not

surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.

Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual

that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000. plus

a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis

of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

[kn_andre]

Stella Awards 2006?

That year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,

Oklahoma.

Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor

home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven

onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left

the driver's seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not

surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.

Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual

that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000. plus

a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis

of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

LoL .... Come on ....... Did this really Happen ??? Heheheheheh ... Enjoy you Weekend. Cheers

[lurch234]

LoL .... Come on ....... Did this really Happen ??? Heheheheheh ... Enjoy you Weekend. Cheers

Nope :rolleyes:

Some actually checked court records to verify these stories. But they're still funny to read :lol:

Stella Awards

[SlimRock]

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised :idea: that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. :pope:

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all. :alien:
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!" :fool:

[Roger D]

@slimrock.. with every post, why are you increasing your font size ? :lol: :lol:

[SlimRock]

@slimrock.. with every post, why are you increasing your font size ? :lol: :lol:

[STEEL]

[Turk]

AFAIK, Stellar awards are just Jokes as they should be LoL :)

here the company's website, see, at the bottom, stellar link

http://www.winnebagoind.com/contact/

Anyway, I think, non paf/fap members, can support paffers/fappers clubs, too. right?

http://guycodeblog.mtv.com/2012/03/06/fapping-gifs

Edit: I could not post the photos in above link here, some one please do that or tell me how to post photos and visible link.

Thanks @lurch234

He did it! lol not fapping, he just posted the photos! I am trying to figure out how he posted them!

Edited December 6, 2013 by Turk

[lurch234]

Here you go Pal! :)

[SlimRock]

Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.
He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."
Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "F*CK IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)"
Billy shakes his head as YES.
Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a cock and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."
Billy shakes his head YES.
He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.
When he gets there he askes this guy...
"Could you hold my bum and f*ck it while I get my cock and spank it" :naughty: :rofl: