[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn’t reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then. This schedule is probably optimistic at best.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

[Krinal]

 

[aum]

When you get to be a certain age, there are two things you definitely don’t want to do in the same week...

Upgrade your prescription glasses and buy a full-length mirror!

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

A famous visitor to an asylum tries to make a phone call, but it doesn't go through. After trying to get help from the operator, without luck, the exasperated visitor shouts, "Listen, do you know who I am?!"

Calmly, the operator answers, "No, but I know WHERE you are."

 

[ducky88]

Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper
wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that **their** ancestors already
had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug
to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:  
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that
**their** ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years
earlier than the British."

One week later, Canadian Dept. Of Mines and Resources in Newfoundland reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North East Canada, Johnny Canuck, a self-taught archaeologist,
reported that he found absolutely nothing.  Johnny has therefore concluded that, 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless!!!"

Just makes you bloody proud to be Canadian!!

 

[aum]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?' The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'

 

So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'

 

The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'

 

The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'

 

The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.

 

After a long pause, the farmer says, 'Hard to fool them flies though...'

 

[aum]

The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask how to operate the new coffeemaker received as a wedding gift.

 

The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later the goober was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

 

"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee."

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.    

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY BODY! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally ah would agree with you, but after you unzipped mah fly three times, I kinda figured we wuz friends.

[Karlston]

There once was a farmer who owned a hen, this hen would occasionally wander over to his neighbour's property.

 

One day the hen laid an egg along the property line and , right in front of the farmer, the neighbour walked over and picked up the egg. A battle of words ensues.

 

Farmer: why are you stealing my egg!?

 

Neighbour: it's my egg, it was laid on my property.

 

This goes on for some time. Finally, annoyed and frustrated the farmer proposes a compromise.

 

Farmer: let's sort this like men, we'll each kick the other in the crotch and the one who gets up the fastest gets the egg.

 

Neighbour: okay, you go first then, it is your hen.

 

The farmer gestures for his neighbour to wait and walks off towards his barn where he swaps his shoes for the heaviest work boots he owns before returning.

 

The farmer kicks, his neighbour goes down, tears steaming down his face, writhing in pain. Finally after half an hour he finds the strength to stand.

 

Neighbour: Ok, my turn. He wheezes.

 

Spoiler

Farmer: Nah, it's all good, you keep the egg. And he walks away cradling his hen in his arms.

 

[Krinal]

Judge : Why did you beat your husband's head with a chair?

Wife : Because the table was a bit too heavy for me to lift. 

[Krinal]

Heated gold is called ornaments Beated copper is called wire Compressed carbon is called diamond.

Heated,beated and compressed human is called HUSBAND

[Karlston]

 

[Karlston]

My son started crying when he found out his school is going back next week. He said he’s afraid people will pick on him.

 

Spoiler

I told him, “Oh come on now, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?”

 

[ducky88]

A 7-year-old and a 4-year-old are in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7-year-old, "I think it's time we started swearing.

When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you." "Okay," replies the 4-year-old.

In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, "I'll have Coco Pops, b**ch."

*WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out. The mother looks at the 4-year-old & sternly asks, "And what do you want?"

"Dunno," he replies, "But it won't be f**king Coco Pops."

[aum]

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.

2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I have come for my urine test

 

[aum]

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny cried all the way home in the back seat of the car.

 

His father asked him what was wrong and finally, the boy sobbed, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

 

[aum]

A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation.

 

Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help.

 

The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”

 

The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.

 

The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him.“

 

Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.”

 

 

[aum]

I decided to make sure my wife had a smile on her face every morning...

Now I can’t keep sharpies in the house anymore.

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.

 

The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. . . . doctor, I'm very concerned!"

 

The doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said,: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

 

The old gent's response was, "Well. . . three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

 

[aum]

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.

He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."

 

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

 

[aum]

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

 

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.