aum Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." Karlston, funkyy, flash13 and 2 others 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." ducky88, Karlston, leapinlizards and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 I Did iT 4 Teh Lulz flash13, Krinal, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex: "Tarzan not know sex!" He replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said. "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree!" Horrified, she said. "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly!" She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here!" She said. "You must put it in here!" Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right between her legs. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed. "What did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees!" funkyy and flash13 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagicSahar Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 ducky88, Krinal and funkyy 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list... Now I can't read anything. Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 “I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday because Monday to Friday are weak days.” ducky88, Krinal, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool. "Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool." "Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board?!" funkyy, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 As I recovered from surgery, I asked the doctor how it went. "Well" said the doc, "you've got a punctuated large intestine." "Don't you mean punctured or perforated?" I Asked. "No" said the doc.."we removed half of it, you've now got a semi-colon." Karlston, funkyy, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him." Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 A man has been in hospital for a month. One day, he's so sick and tired of being in hospital that he sneaks out and down to the nearest pub. He orders a beer and swallows the lot in ten seconds flat. He then orders a second beer and does the same. Then a third and a fourth. As he orders a fifth beer, he says to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got." The barman gasps in alarm, "What have you got?" To which the hospital patient replies, "I've got no money." Matrix, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PLASMA Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 Baby reveal gone wrong.... Adenman, Matrix, funkyy and 3 others 3 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. Karlston, ducky88 and Matrix 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No," says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!" ducky88, Karlston, Matrix and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted February 3, 2021 Share Posted February 3, 2021 No matter what I do for the kids my wife is always finding fault with me. I bought my 2-year-old daughter her very first jigsaw yesterday and as usual the wife went mental. Yelling and screaming something about her being too young for power tools.. On a more serious note, my heart goes out to all that are affected by the current situation, personally for me the humor I find in this thread makes things a tiny bit more tolerable. funkyy, flash13, aum and 3 others 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 3, 2021 Share Posted February 3, 2021 In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper. Karlston, flash13, Lysoform and 2 others 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted February 3, 2021 Share Posted February 3, 2021 aum, flash13, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 3, 2021 Share Posted February 3, 2021 A skydiver jumps from a plane but nothing happens when he pulls his rip-cord. He pulls the cord on his secondary chute, but this too is broken. As he is hurtling toward the earth, he sees a man coming straight up toward him. ‘Hey!’ shouts the skydiver. ‘Know anything about parachutes?!’ ‘No!’ shouts the man. ‘Know anything about gas barbecues?!’ Lysoform, aum, ducky88 and 2 others 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abacaxi Posted February 3, 2021 Share Posted February 3, 2021 Question :- Which animal is closest to human beings ? Answer :- The Flea ! flash13 and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 3, 2021 Share Posted February 3, 2021 The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!" "That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts. "That's a lion!" answered a little boy. "Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?" Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!" flash13, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 The maternity class was full of pregnant women and their husbands. The instructor was saying "Ladies, remember to walk as often as possible. Walking will help strengthen the pelvic muscles and make delivery much easier. Just remember to take breaks when necessary and try to walk on soft ground like grass, or a path. And gentlemen, it would be good if you walked with your wife. Remember, this is a shared experience and will do both of you good." The room became very quiet when a man in the corner slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" Asked the instructor. "I was wondering if it would be alright if she carried a golf bag while we walked. flash13, aum and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry... He had selfie steam issues. Krumps, flash13, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." flash13, ducky88 and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?" Krinal, flash13, ducky88 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 An accordionist was driving home after a gig and decided to stop for coffee at a motorway service. Whilst he was drinking his coffee, he realized he had left his accordion on full display on the back seat of his car. He rushed out to cover it up but when he got to his car, he realized he was too late. His back window was smashed in and 3 more accordions had been chucked in!! aum, flash13, Krinal and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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