ducky88 Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in crap up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in crap up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the third room. People are standing with crap up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way-out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’ funkyy, Karlston and aum 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 funkyy, ducky88, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek... Do they automatically lose because they can't find themselves? ducky88, funkyy, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. A boy at the back puts up his hand and says "G". The teacher asks, "Why is that, Angus?" capt_blake, scarabou and ducky88 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 DT and his driver were cruising along a country road in Georgia one evening when an ancient pig loomed in front of the Car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged pig was struck and killed. DT told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. He stayed in the car twittering. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick. "What happened to you," asked DT? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!" "My God, what did you tell them?" asked DT. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm DT's driver and I've just killed the old pig. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 Karlston, scarabou and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job." So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek." The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?" "Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 "Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money down by the church." "Did you give it back?" "Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer." ducky88, Karlston and cosy 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 Three years after the honeymoon it appears their puppy love had matured. "You don't love me any more," she sobbed. "You use to be so nice to me, and now you are always barking and growling." "What do you expect," he demanded. "You've always got me in the doghouse." ducky88 and Karlston 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 Dear God, so far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that! But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help. Thank you! Amen. ducky88, Krinal and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rainmaker Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 // R ducky88, Krinal, sandman117 and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 ducky88, aum, sandman117 and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke. Bartender: Three dollars. Me: There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password? Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase. ducky88, Lysoform and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagicSahar Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 ducky88, Lysoform, Karlston and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home". Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again. Joel, she said, I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath. Don't worry. replied her husband. If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains. Karlston, scarabou, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagicSahar Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 ducky88, Krinal and Karlston 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself." So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?" "Huh? I thought you were out of town." Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 Boss: "Working hard here, Jimmy?" Jimmy: "Ever since I heard you coming down the stairs, boss!" ducky88, funkyy and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 After two years of marriage, Tom was still questioning his wife about her lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," Tom asked for the thousandth time, "how many men have you been with?" "Baby, " she protested, "If I told you, you'd throw a fit." Tom promised he wouldn't get angry, and convinced his wife to tell him. "Okay," she said, then started to count on her fingers, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen..... funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 Doctor: "Have you been drinking fluids?" Patient: "Jeez, Doc, that's literally all I drink." Karlston, ducky88 and Krinal 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 aum, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 Simon: How were the exam questions? Peter: Easy. Simon: Then why do you look so unhappy? Peter: The questions didn’t give me any trouble—just the answers. Karlston, Krinal and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 Krinal, ducky88 and funkyy 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart." ducky88, funkyy and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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