aum Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 Son: "Gee pop, there's a man at the circus who jumps on a horse's back, slips underneath, catches hold of its tail and finishes up on the horse's neck!" Dad: "That's easy... I did all that the first time I ever rode a horse." Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 Man to friend: " The doctor told my wife she should do some exercise." Friend: "And is she doing this? Man: "Well, she is - if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise!". ducky88, Karlston and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 Wonder Woman and Spiderman decided to start a business together, they called it... Spoiler Amazon Web Services ducky88 and funkyy 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted January 10, 2021 Share Posted January 10, 2021 A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years." Karlston, aum and funkyy 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 10, 2021 Share Posted January 10, 2021 An old man from way out in the boondocks made it to new York and got on the subway. He sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked the man, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The young man smiled kindly and answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father." The old man thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father, but I wear my collar front ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for many." The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have six sons, five daughters and many grandchildren. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?" The priest, flustered, said impatiently, "Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people." The old man, taken aback, sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway car, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards." Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 10, 2021 Share Posted January 10, 2021 A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. funkyy, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitorio Posted January 10, 2021 Share Posted January 10, 2021 (edited) Some lawyers and desperately looking for money. I think they are to many for the jobs available. A surplus of them. Edited January 10, 2021 by vitorio aum and Krinal 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 10, 2021 Share Posted January 10, 2021 My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school. Me: “How do you know it was going to school?” funkyy, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 10, 2021 Share Posted January 10, 2021 ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted January 10, 2021 Share Posted January 10, 2021 Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, ‘What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.’ ‘I don’t need to outrun the bear,’ the first guy says. ‘I just need to outrun you.’ funkyy, Karlston and aum 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. funkyy, ducky88 and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!" funkyy, Krinal, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 11, 2021 Share Posted January 11, 2021 ducky88, aum, funkyy and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted January 12, 2021 Share Posted January 12, 2021 Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!" funkyy, Krinal, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted January 12, 2021 Share Posted January 12, 2021 When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date. ducky88, funkyy and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted January 12, 2021 Share Posted January 12, 2021 Dentist: "You need a crown." - Patient: "Finally someone who understands me" ducky88, funkyy and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted January 12, 2021 Share Posted January 12, 2021 This is hillarious....🤣 Ordering a Pizza in 2021 CALLER: Is this Pizza Delight? GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza. CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Delight last month. CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir? CALLER: My usual? You know me? GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. CALLER: OK! That’s what I want ... GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust? CALLER: What? I detest vegetable! GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir. CALLER: How the hell do you know! GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol. GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago. CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement. CALLER: I paid in cash. GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. CALLER: I have other sources of cash. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law. CALLER: WHAT THE HELL! GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you. CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me. GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago... 😆😆 Karlston, Lysoform, vitorio and 2 others 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagicSahar Posted January 12, 2021 Share Posted January 12, 2021 funkyy, Lysoform, Krinal and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 12, 2021 Share Posted January 12, 2021 Interviewer: "Your resume says you take things too literally." Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?” Krinal, ducky88, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 12, 2021 Share Posted January 12, 2021 A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?" The father answered immediately, "I just don't know, son. No male has ever lived that long yet." scarabou, funkyy, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 12, 2021 Share Posted January 12, 2021 ducky88, aum, funkyy and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either. scarabou, Karlston, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagicSahar Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 scarabou, ducky88, Krinal and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist... I should have known, there were red flags everywhere. ducky88, Karlston and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 13, 2021 Share Posted January 13, 2021 The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered. The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving amound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem. The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!" Karlston, ducky88 and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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