[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum 5,256]

A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church that was known for its rather “uppity” social reputation.

 

Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help.

 

The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”

 

The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.

 

The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?” they asked him.“

 

Yes, I did,” said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.”

 

 

[aum 5,256]

I decided to make sure my wife had a smile on her face every morning...

Now I can’t keep sharpies in the house anymore.

 

[Karlston 24,286]

[aum 5,256]

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.

 

The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. . . . doctor, I'm very concerned!"

 

The doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said,: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

 

The old gent's response was, "Well. . . three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

 

[aum 5,256]

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.

He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."

 

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

 

[aum 5,256]

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

 

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.

 

[ducky88 331]

An elderly French lady had a small shop in her village for years until
one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her
little shop.
They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said:
Butter - 10 francs.

In response, the lady added a sign to her own window: Butter - 9 francs.
The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign: Butter - 8 francs.

Sure enough, the day after the lady's sign now read: 7 francs.

This went on for a while until eventually one of the lady's customers
pointed to the sign and said, "Madame, you cannot keep your prices so
low for long.

These big companies can use their buying power to sell products
cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete."

In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered,
"Monsieur, I don't even sell butter!"

[Krinal 1,154]

 

[Krinal 1,154]

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.  

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

[aum 5,256]

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."

 

 

[aum 5,256]

A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

'Darling, how I've missed you!'

The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!'

 

[aum 5,256]

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,' the attorney reads.

'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.'

'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!'

 

[Karlston 24,286]

Need a roomy Raspberry Pi case? No problem...

 

[aum 5,256]

Dick: Great News! Teacher said we would have a test rain or shine.

Jane: What’s so great about that?

Dick: It’s snowing.

 

[ducky88 331]

I went to the Doctors the other day, I said "Doc, I’ve got a problem... every morning when I get up, I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass Of Home,

and every night before I go to bed I can't stop singing Delilah... what's going on?" "Well" he said "you're suffering from Tom Jones Syndrome"

I said "I've never heard of that, is it rare?" He said "It's not unusual"

[aum 5,256]

The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.)

 

As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.'

'Fine.' I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.'

I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'

 

 

 

[aum 5,256]

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear - no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.

 

A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

 

[aum 5,256]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,
"To apply, push up bottom."

 

[Karlston 24,286]

My girlfriend has just threatened to kill me unless I marry her.

 

Spoiler

It's now a wife or death situation.

 

[Abacaxi 1,430]

I trade pasta, rice and sugar for a parrot. I need to talk to someone !

[Abacaxi 1,430]

The mask has good things ... At the supermarket I was near to 2 guys to whom I owe money and they didn't even recognize me !...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I need to keep a social distance with the fridge. I tested positive for abdominal fat.

Edited January 27 by Abacaxi

[ducky88 331]

I went into a Chinese takeaway last night. The owner of the shop said, "What do you do for a riving?"
I said, "What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian."
So the Chinese chap says, "Go on then, change colour."
I said, "No! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian."
So then he says, "Tell me a joke, make me raff."
I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?"
Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!"
And he said, "Who der?"

[Abacaxi 1,430]

Quarantine looks like the NETFLIX series: When it looks like it's going to end, another season comes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will not add 2020 to my age. I didn't even use it!

Edited January 27 by Abacaxi

[Abacaxi 1,430]

My washing machine only accepts pajamas ... I put on some jeans and she sent me the message  " STAY HOME ! "

[Abacaxi 1,430]

After going through all this anguish, we just need them to say that the next vaccine will be a suppository  .

Edited January 27 by Abacaxi