[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

An elderly French lady had a small shop in her village for years until
one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her
little shop.
They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said:
Butter - 10 francs.

In response, the lady added a sign to her own window: Butter - 9 francs.
The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign: Butter - 8 francs.

Sure enough, the day after the lady's sign now read: 7 francs.

This went on for a while until eventually one of the lady's customers
pointed to the sign and said, "Madame, you cannot keep your prices so
low for long.

These big companies can use their buying power to sell products
cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete."

In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered,
"Monsieur, I don't even sell butter!"

[Krinal]

 

[Krinal]

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.  

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

[aum]

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."

 

 

[aum]

A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

'Darling, how I've missed you!'

The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!'

 

[aum]

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,' the attorney reads.

'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.'

'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!'

 

[Karlston]

Need a roomy Raspberry Pi case? No problem...

 

[aum]

Dick: Great News! Teacher said we would have a test rain or shine.

Jane: What’s so great about that?

Dick: It’s snowing.

 

[ducky88]

I went to the Doctors the other day, I said "Doc, I’ve got a problem... every morning when I get up, I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass Of Home,

and every night before I go to bed I can't stop singing Delilah... what's going on?" "Well" he said "you're suffering from Tom Jones Syndrome"

I said "I've never heard of that, is it rare?" He said "It's not unusual"

[aum]

The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.)

 

As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.'

'Fine.' I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.'

I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'

 

 

 

[aum]

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear - no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.

 

A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

 

[aum]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,
"To apply, push up bottom."

 

[Karlston]

My girlfriend has just threatened to kill me unless I marry her.

 

Spoiler

It's now a wife or death situation.

 

[Abacaxi]

I trade pasta, rice and sugar for a parrot. I need to talk to someone !

[Abacaxi]

The mask has good things ... At the supermarket I was near to 2 guys to whom I owe money and they didn't even recognize me !...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I need to keep a social distance with the fridge. I tested positive for abdominal fat.

Edited January 27, 2021 by Abacaxi

[ducky88]

I went into a Chinese takeaway last night. The owner of the shop said, "What do you do for a riving?"
I said, "What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian."
So the Chinese chap says, "Go on then, change colour."
I said, "No! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian."
So then he says, "Tell me a joke, make me raff."
I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?"
Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!"
And he said, "Who der?"

[Abacaxi]

Quarantine looks like the NETFLIX series: When it looks like it's going to end, another season comes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will not add 2020 to my age. I didn't even use it!

Edited January 27, 2021 by Abacaxi

[Abacaxi]

My washing machine only accepts pajamas ... I put on some jeans and she sent me the message  " STAY HOME ! "

[Abacaxi]

After going through all this anguish, we just need them to say that the next vaccine will be a suppository  .

Edited January 27, 2021 by Abacaxi

[Abacaxi]

I feel like I'm 15 again: No money in my wallet, with long hair, thinking about what to do with my life and not allowed to leave home.

[Abacaxi]

Those women who asked God for their husbands to stay at home longer ... How are they now ?

[aum]

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

 

[aum]

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.

They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

 

[aum]

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

 

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

 

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. But I HAVE got a wife and eleven children."

 

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

 

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get to setting one."

 

 

[aum]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62. "Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."