[JOTD] Joke of the day

[vitorio]

 Money makes the world go around!

[aum]

Once a terrible golfer hit a ball onto an ant hill. He went over the ant hill to hit the ball. No matter how hard he tried, all the golfer managed to do was to hit the ant hill and kill many ants.

At last, only two ants remained. One turned to the other and said, “If we want to stay alive, we’d better get on the ball!”

 

[aum]

Applicant: Shows up 45 minutes late for interview to be a cable installer.

Interviewer: “You’re hired.”

 

[Karlston]

Went for a COVID test and the nurse asked me, "Have you had a sudden loss of taste?"

 

Spoiler

"NO!" I answered, "I've always dressed like this."

 

[ducky88]

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys
in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been Stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kiddin' me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,
"Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman
I have not stolen your f*cking car!!

[flash13]

[aum]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world.

 

Watch while I prove it to you."

 

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

 

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

 

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

 

[MagicSahar]

[ducky88]

A man was sitting on the edge of his bed watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[Krinal]

Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target...

From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: Honey What Are You Doing...

Husband: "MISSING YOU"...

[aum]

In the Beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then He created man:

 

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, what do You want me to do?"

 

God said, "Go down into that valley."

And Adam said, "What's a valley?"

 

And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

And Adam said, "What's a river?"

 

And God explained to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."

And Adam said, "What is a hill?"

 

And God explained that to him. Then He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

And Adam said, "What's a cave?"

 

And God explained that to him, then said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

And Adam said, "What's a woman?"

 

So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."

And Adam said, "How do I do that?"

 

So God explained to him.

So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave and found the woman, and in about fifteen minutes, Adam was back.

 

God patiently replied, as He always does, "Yes... how can I help you?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

 

[Rainmaker]

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils

She had a photographic memory but never developed it

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

Need an ark? I Noah guy

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine

What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus
 

// R

[aum]

A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones.

 

The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?"

"No, I've been run over by a truck."

 

[ducky88]

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips…

“Are you the friar?” he asked.

The brother replied “No. I’m the chip monk.”

[aum]

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people.

 

 

[Krinal]

Difference Between Complete & Finish...

People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH.

But there is...

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!

[Karlston]

There's a woman in the park who sells batteries.

 

Spoiler

She sells C cells by the seesaw.

 

[aum]

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

 

Then he turned to the young man and said, "All right. Get in."

 

 

[vitorio]

“The devil knows more because he is old than because he is the devil."

 

Old saying.

 

[aum]

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

 

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?'

 

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do'

 

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

 

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

 

'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.

 

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man in an even tone.

 

'Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

 

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

 

'And, you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

 

'Nope,' said the old man.

 

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'

 

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 44 years.'

 

[ducky88]

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

[aum]

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house. (She was a blonde), and for some reason she was mad at the world. She had locked herself in the bathroom and was threatening suicide. I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!"

She said, "I damn well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways."

For some reason I actually believed her and pushed through the door, and saw she had a rope tied to around her ankles. I asked "Are you really trying to hang yourself?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks"

"Yeah, well, I tried that, but then I couldn't breathe."

 

 

[aum]

All of his life Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!

Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, "Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather was born in January, you were born in July."

 

 

[Karlston]

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

 

One day his neighbour pays him a visit and says, ‟So how is your strange business going?”

 

‟What do you mean strange?”

 

‟Because you sell only trumpets and guns!”

 

‟So?”

 

‟Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?”

 

‟It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbours buys a gun.”

[Karlston]