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[JOTD] Joke of the day


rudrax

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YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

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Mother: "When I was your age, my mother used to hide money around the house for me that I would find only if I performed my chores particularly well. One time when I was cleaning out the cupboards for her, I found $20 under the old shelf paper."


Daughter: "Wow! What a cool idea! Why didn't you ever do that with me?"


Mother: "But my dear ... I have been."

 

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"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."


The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"


"I push them away!"


"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"


The patient implored, "Please--break my arms!"

 

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The couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. The husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.

"It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on."

"And you?"

"I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."


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The "Clavin Theory" offers the best proof that beer actually does make you smarter.....

 

"One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went: Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...

 

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.


In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.


In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


Don't you feel smarter after a few?

 

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A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.


"What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."


"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.


"How do you figure?" asked John.


"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me!


But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down."


"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you.

 

Edited by aum
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Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven. One turned around and asked the other how he died. "I froze to death. How about you?" "I had a heart attack." "How did that happen?" "Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So, after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots. When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack." "That's ironic." "Why?" "If you would've looked in the fridge, we'd both be alive."

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Sundays are awesome! Nothing feels better than spending all day laying around in my underwear.

 

Spoiler

Constantly being told to cover up or get off the train sucks though.

 

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The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians who bury him up to his neck in the sand and tell him they're

going to kill him slowly. But first they ask him what his last request is. The Lone Ranger asks to speak

to his horse Silver. The Indians are puzzled by this strange request but they bring faithful old Silver

over to the Lone Ranger's head. The Lone Ranger whispers in old Silver's ear and old Silver rears up

and gallops away. The indians start their dance around the Lone Ranger's head whooping and singing.

Then, just as they are about to start torturing the Lone Ranger they see a dust cloud approaching in

the distance and Silver gallops up with fat Alice the saloon girl on his back. Fat Alice jumps off and runs

over to the Lone Ranger's head, hitches up her skirt, squats on his face and starts gyrating her hips. The

indians are in awe of this, impressed by this real man about to die yet his last wish is to have a woman.

Fat Alice finishes and stands up..the Lone Ranger shouts over at old Silver..."You deaf nag, I told you to

go to town and bring me a big posse..A BIG POSSE!!!":dance::dance::dance:

 

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Michael's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

 

Looking over her carefully, Michael replied... "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

 

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

 

Just as she was about to tell Michael his reward, he stops her by saying: "WHOA, hold on there sweetie... I haven't added them up yet!"

 

P.S - Please let us know if you've seen him, we're very worried.

 

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The great thing about internet forums is that they're ageless. As long as teenagers act mature and adults act immature.


And if you don't agree you're stupid.

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4 people are sitting together on a train journey through Europe, there was a Kiwi fella, an Australian bloke, a small old granny,  and also a hot Swedish lady. The train heads on through a darkened tunnel and a short moment later there everyone can hear the sound of a vicious slap. After the train comes out from the tunnel, the Aussie bloke has a nasty red hand print on his face. Nobody says anything...

 

The small granny assumes: The Aussie bloke must have felt up the Swedish lady when it was dark and earned himself a slap.

 

The Swedish lady assumes: The stupid Aussie bloke probably tried to touch me in the dark, but he missed and touched the small granny who in turn slapped his face.

 

The Aussie bloke assumes: This Kiwi fella must have touched the hot Swedish lady in the dark, then she tried to hit him but she missed and hit me in the face.

 

The clever Kiwi fella thinks: I'm looking forward to the next tunnel so I can belt that Aussie guy in the face once more.

 

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One day the King invited Mullah to his palace for dinner. The royal chef prepared, among others, a cabbage recipe for the occasion. After the dinner, the King asked, “How did you like the cabbage?”

 

“It was very delicious,” complimented Mullah.

 

“I thought it tasted awful,” said the King.

 

“You’re right,” added Mullah, “it was very bland.”

 

“But you just said it tasted ‘delicious,'” the King noted.

 

“Yes, but I’m the servant of His Majesty, not of the cabbage,” he replied.

 

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Mullah was walking in the Bazaar with a large group of followers. Whatever Mullah did, his followers immediately copied. Every few steps Nasreddin would stop and shake his hands in the air, touch his feet and jump up yelling “Hu Hu Hu!” So his followers would also stop and do exactly the same thing.

 

One of the merchants, who knew Nasreddin, quietly asked him: “What are you doing my old friend? Why are these people imitating you?”

 

“I have become a Sufi Sheikh,” replied Nasreddin. “These are my Murids (spiritual seekers); I am helping them reach enlightenment!”

 

“How do you know when they reach enlightenment?”

 

“That’s the easy part! Every morning I count them. The ones who have left have reached enlightenment!”

 

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One is a Caucasian man with over 22 years of experience as a pilot. His co-pilot is a Iranian-American man who started the job just 2 months ago. This was the first time the two have flown together, so small talk is very little.

 

The white guy decides to break the ice. "So, you know anything about nuclear physics?" The Caucasian was a little prejudiced, but was actually curious if he would respond.

 

"I'm not really sure," replied the other guy. "But I don't understand how a goat's droppings is in pebbles while a horse's droppings are just giant rocks. These animals are herbivores yet an eagle's droppings are liquid despite being a bird of prey."

 

The older man was amazed and thanked the rookie for teaching something he did not know, only for the Iranian-American man ask, "Then how can we talk about nuclear physics if you don't know shit?"

 

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