aum Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning." After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister." ducky88, Krinal and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 A kindergarten student was having trouble putting on his boots, and asked his teacher for help. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. Finally they got both boots on. She grimaced when the little boy said, "They're on the wrong feet." Sure enough, they were. The teacher kept her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the correct feet. The little boy then announced, "These aren't my boots." The teacher sighed and pulled the boots off. The boy then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." The teacher felt like crying, but she mustered up the strength to wrestle the boots back onto his feet. "Now," she said, "where are your mittens?" The boy replied, "I stuffed them in my boots...." Karlston and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 This morning I saw a bumper sticker "I'm a veterinarian so I can drive like an animal". Spoiler I'd never realised how many proctologists are driving around. ducky88, Krinal, aum and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arachnoid Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 My Wife asked me to not ride the motorbike so much and stay home with her more........ I think shes changed her mind now.😝 Karlston, Krinal, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abacaxi Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 If I keep stress-eating at this level, the buttons on my shirt will start socially distancing from each other. Being quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot glued to your shoulder This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog–we laughed a lot. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abacaxi Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 Nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of being tense on the couch. What’s the best way to avoid touching your face? A glass of wine in each hand. Karlston, Krinal and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! " "So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!" Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress." Karlston, Krinal and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 ducky88, flash13, Karlston and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 ducky88, funkyy and flash13 1 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Radpop Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 Me. 😅 Posted first song 'All Right Now' to 'What are you listening to' topic and then ran Iobit Driver Booster to break Intel smart sound drivers. Suffering lasted more than hour before no sound issue was fixed. 🙈 funkyy, Karlston, flash13 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married... I didn't want him to. funkyy, ducky88, flash13 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 Q: Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side? A: He's all-right now! Karlston, ducky88, leapinlizards and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?" The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing." "Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now." Karlston, flash13, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions? A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Matrix, ducky88, Karlston and 2 others 3 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PLASMA Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 funkyy, Adenman and ducky88 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!" funkyy, flash13, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him." Karlston, ducky88, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 funkyy, flash13 and ducky88 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 The local plumber gets a phone call from his GP, at 2am one morning. 'My toilets not working' says the GP. 'It's 2am' reply’s the plumber. ' if you called me out at 2am, you'd expect me to come round, and sort you out’ says the GP ' ok, I'm on my way' says the plumber. The plumber drives to the GP's home, and the GP shows him to the bathroom. The plumber looks at the toilet, throws 2 Aspirins into the pot, and says to the GP ' if it's no better by the morning, give me another call' funkyy, flash13, aum and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook. ducky88, flash13, Karlston and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 funkyy, ducky88, Karlston and 3 others 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!" Karlston, ducky88, flash13 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend: "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade." The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He yells: "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!" ducky88, flash13, Karlston and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intentively on the youth's multicolored mohawk. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?" The man responded with "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son." Karlston, ducky88, funkyy and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears. He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?” She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.” The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?” She says, “That he did, Father.” The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?” She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun…” Karlston, leapinlizards, flash13 and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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