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[JOTD] Joke of the day

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Lost in translation....

A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the audience a man shouted, "Lying [email protected]@rd!"

"Silence in the court!", the judge shouted back to the man.

He turned to the defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "Tightwad!", blurted the man again.

"Quiet!", yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold you in contempt!"

So the man answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"

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What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives girls crazy?

its money! 


Ugly girls think they’re hot,

hot girls think they’re ugly,

fat girls think they’re skinny,

& skinny girls think they’re fat.


  SAD = Single, Available, Desperate 


If she's worth it, you won't give up.

If you give up, you're not worthy.

If she's easy, she won't be amazing

If she's amazing, she won't be easy


  I love you is an 8 letter word, so is bullsh*t 


It takes patience to listen.

It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.

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Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her son coming home from school.

The boy's in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig.

He walks a little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his mother says, "I saw what you did, young man!

For kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and for kicking the cow, no milk for a week."
Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.
The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna tell him, or should I ?"

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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check.

"I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,"

he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

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I’ve just released my own fragrance.



I don’t know why no one else on the bus seems to like it.


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Three men: an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." 

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone I have a microchip in my hand." 

Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. 

The others raised their eyebrows. "Will you look at that" says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax." 

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... "Go get your Mother."

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  I was walking past the mental hospital, just down the street from my grandparent's home, when I was a teen.     

All the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'    

  The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....     

Some crazy bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.     

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...       

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.  'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.  'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' 

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' 

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

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A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back." 

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

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