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[JOTD] Joke of the day


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A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.

He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."

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Lost in translation....

One afternoon, a rich man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed a man was eating grass by the road side.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.

“I don’t have any money for food so I am eating grass,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, come along with me then,” said the rich man.

“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”

“Bring them as well,” said the rich man.

So, the poor man got into his car and expressed his gratitude, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking us with you.”

The rich man replied, “No problem, my friend. The grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use your help!”

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It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage

is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt. They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer.

The lawyer calls the police on his cell phone and they say they will be there within 20 minutes.

It’s cold and damp, and both men are shaken up.

The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who then puts it away.

“Aren’t you going to have a drink?” the doctor says.

“AFTER the police get here.” replies the lawyer

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I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

 

Spoiler

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

 

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

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In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.

 

On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)

 

On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.

 

On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the the "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

 

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

 

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.

 

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

 

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.

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A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" 

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." 

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" 

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour." 

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" 

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." 

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." 

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" 

."This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that. :biggrin:

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Because of COVID I've taken to driving around to building sites and selling hot pies. It's contactless – I've got a sign in the boot; they just take the pie they want and leave me the money.

 

A chunky steak pie is $3; a steak and mushroom is $3.50; a beef and Guinness is $4 and an apple pie is $2.50.

 

Spoiler

These are the pie rates of the car I be in.

 

----------------------------

 

A priest, a monk and a rabbit all walk into a blood bank.

 

The rabbit says, "I have a feeling that I'm a type O.

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A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

  "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

  "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that

your left arm was ripped off!!!"  "Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!" :D

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