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[JOTD] Joke of the day

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Lost in translation....

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

Edited by slimrock
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Dirty Short Jokes :rolleyes:

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?

A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

Q: What do priests and Mcdonalds have in common?

A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?

A: Because their plugged into a genius!

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?

A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

Q: Why did God give men penises?

A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up. If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have? Three feet of my cock up your ass.

Q: What kind of bees produce milk?

A: Boobies
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An old lady went to the store to buy some food for her dog. Upon reaching the check-out, the clerk told her "I'm sorry ma'am, but the store manager heard that many old ladies on limited incomes buy dog food and eat it themselves. We now have a policy - if you want to buy dog food, you have to show us your dog."
Annoyed, the lady went home, got her faithful Fido, and returned to the store, where they sold her the dog food without question.

The next day, she returned to the store to buy cat food. Again, she's reproached by the cashier: "I'm sorry ma'am, but the store manager heard that many old ladies on limited incomes buy cat food and eat it themselves. We now have a policy - if you want to buy cat food, you have to show us your cat."
Frustrated, the woman stormed home, retrieved her precious fluffy and returned to the store, where she was sold her cat food without further incident.

The next day, the woman returned to the store and strode right up to the cashier with a box in her hand. "Put your hand in this box," she told the puzzled clerk. "What's in it?" the clerk asked.
"Just put your hand in here," the lady said. "No, there's probably something in there that will bite me"
"Nothing will bite you, I promise." Reluctantly, the clerk put her hand in the box, felt the contents, pulled them out to examine them and let out a scream. Smiling, the old lady asked "now, may I please buy some toilet paper?"

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A man wakes up one morning and found a gorilla on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an advert for "Gorilla Removers." he calls the number, and the gorilla remover, Robert, says he will be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover,
Robert, arrives and gets out of his van.


"What are you going to do?" the house owner asks..

Robert: "I'm going to put this LADDER up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this BASEBALL BAT.
When the gorilla falls off,
the DOG is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the house owner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the house owner.

Robert: "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof,
:P :P

Edited by Roger D
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3 dead bodies at City Mortuary all with big smiles on their faces. After the autopsies, pathologist reports to the police.

Pathologist: 1st body is David from Machakos, 60 years old. Died of cardiac arrest while making love to his mistress hence the smile.
Pathologist: 2nd body is Edwin from Kisumu, 25 years old, won a million bob in charity sweepstakes, spent it all on expensive whisky and cham, died of alcohol poisoning hence the smile.

Inspector: What about 3rd body?

Pathologist: This is unusual, never seen it before. Johnny from Kakamega, 30 years old, struck by lightning."
Inspector: So why the smile?

Pathologist: He thought he was having his picture taken.

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An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his "tool" covered with bright green and purple freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc". The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your "tool".
The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor "Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh Thank God!" the man replies. "Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
Edited by slimrock
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true ? or photosop ?



Edited by DKT27
Members should also remember that this forum is aimed at a general audience. Posting pornographic or generally offensive text, images, links etc will not be tolerated.
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