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[JOTD] Joke of the day

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Lost in translation....

@slimrock your Joke was Off the Hook :D :D :D ... I laughed so much on my desk my fellow workers thought I had won the lottery.... Keep it coming ;) ;) ;)... Now you and @rogerD are on fire with lots of funny Jokes.. have a nice day and Cheers ..... :) :) :)

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Very Touchy story: :( :( :(

"Husband forgot to wish her on his Wife's birthday.

He came home late at night from the office .....

His wife shouted: How would u feel if u dont see me for next few days? :angry:

He couldnt believe his luck. He replied at once.'' Wowww.....That would be great..!'' :D :lol:

Monday passed & he didn't see her.

Tuesday he didnt see her

& wednesday passed too :o

On Thursday the swelling was better & then he could see her from the corner of his left eye... :P :P :P

Edited by Roger D
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There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex
together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."
"Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies.
"OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"
Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers."
There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like
eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling Ohhh God! He's hanging on to her hips for dear
This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified."

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A woman goes to a priest with a problem.
"Father," she told him. "I have rescued 2 female parrots from a house of ill-repute. But the only thing they say is: "wanna have some fun?" "
"THATS TERRIBLE!" exclaims the priest. "But i think i can help. Bring your parrots over at my house. I have 2 male parrots who I have taught them to pray every day. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying the terrible phrase."
The next day the woman brought her parrots to the priests house. His two parrots were holding beads and praying quietly in their cage.
The two female parrots were put in the cage with them. The females immediately began their routine. "Hi, wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked at the other one and said: "Put those beads away, our prayer has been answered!"

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A Primary three teacher was having trouble with one of her students little johnny .The teacher asked, "johnny, what is your problem?"

johnny answered, "I'm too smart for Primary three. My sister is in Primary
six and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in Primary six

The Teacher had enough. She took the johnny to the Headmaster's office.

While the johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the Headmaster what the situation was. The Headmaster told the teacher
he would give the johnny a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to Primary three and behave.

She agreed.

Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Headmaster: "What is 3 x 3?"

johnny: "9".

Headmaster: "What is 6 x 6?"

johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the Headmaster thought a Primary three pupil should know. The Headmaster looked at the teacher and told
her, "I think the johnny can go to Primary six."

The teacher said to the Headmaster, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?" The Headmaster and the johnny both agreed.

The teacher asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

johnny, after a moment "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

johnny: "Pockets."

Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

johnny: "Coconut"

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The Headmaster's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, the johnny was taking charge.

johnny: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The Headmaster's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer...

johnny: "Shake hands"

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

johnny: "Yep!"

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

johnny: "Tent"

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Headmaster was looking restless, a bit tensed.

johnny: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

johnny: "Nose"

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

johnny: "Arrow."

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

johnny: "Fire-truck"

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you don't get it you have to use your hand.

johnny: "Fork"

Teacher: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than in others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?

johnny: "Surname"

Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?

johnny: "HEART"

The Headmaster breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send johnny to College, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

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Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking tea when
he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a
clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
starts to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you´ve obviously got the wrong man", and
shuts the door.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts
his clipboard under Nelson´s nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr. Mandela smiles and says "look young man...you've got the wrong man"

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson
Mandela yells at him, "Look, I don´t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
says, "Aren't you Nissan Main Dealer?"

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