[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

 

[aum]

A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon.

 

The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive. The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.

 

'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!'

 

The old man waving off the last part about the cost asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor.

 

'This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000!'

 

'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'

 

'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish. This heart is going for $500,000!!!'

 

'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'

 

'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer. So it was never used!'

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

I remember the time when I was reminiscing my love life while cutting up an onion.

The onion cried.

 

[aum]

I told my wife that there is only one thing that scares me on Halloween.
My wife: Which is?

Me: Exactly!

 

[aum]

[aum]

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A blind man was flying in a small plane with his brother, the pilot, when his brother suddenly clutched his chest and died.
After finally finding the radio, the blind man called for help and was answered by an air traffic controller at a nearby airport.
"You've got to help me! I'm totally blind, the pilot of this plane is dead, and we are flying upside down!"
The air traffic controller answered, "I understand that the pilot is dead and you are blind, but if you are blind how do you know that you are flying upside down ?"
"Because I have s**t running up my neck!"

[aum]

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.

 

One prospective juror, Dan O'Keefe, was called for his question session.

 

He was asked, "Property holder?"

Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."

Then he was asked, "Married or single?"

Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

 

Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?"

 

Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

 

[aum]

It was my wedding day, and no one was happier than my 78-year-old mother.
But as she approached the church doors, an usher asked, “Which side are you on?”

“Oh, no,” she said. “Are they fighting already?”

 

 

[aum]

Four college students missed an important exam, choosing to party instead. They go together to their professor the next day, and said, "We're sorry we missed the exam. We had a flat tire on the way to class. Is there any way we could possibly take a re-test?"

 

"Sure," replied the professor. "Come on in tomorrow, and you can all take a retest. But remember, it's a pass or fail."

 

The four students arrived the next day to take the retest, and all of them sat down in their seats. Before handing them their exams, their professor told them, "I've got good news and bad news. The good part is, there's only one question on the test. The bad news is, if any of you fail, you all fail the test."

 

The students sat there, a bit worried from this professor's strange introduction to the exam. Then the professor handed out the four exams, and each student stared down at their papers, which contained just one simple question:

"Which tire was it?"

 

[aum]

A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store.

 

‘Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.’

 

Later on, he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says, ‘ Why do you have 6 gallons of milk?’

 

He responded, ‘They had eggs.’

[Karlston]

[Dce3480]

Edited April 22 by Dce3480

[aum]

My friend bought a bus pass to a nude beach.

It turned out to be a ticket to no wear.

 

[aum]

Two old married men chatting in a bar.

First man says, "Have you ever thought that marriage was a bit of a lottery?"

The second man replied, "Not at all. At least you have a slight chance with a lottery."

 

[aum]

Jim was a just out of boot camp, and was on his first ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training and on his first cruise.

He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs to the dispensary."

The ensign returned his salute and replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck; that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead; that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion; that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttlebutt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I will throw you out of that little round window over there."

 

[Karlston]

[Dce3480]

Edited April 22 by Dce3480

[aum]

Mark was being interviewed for a new job.

 

The person conducting the interview wanted to find out something about his personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

 

Without hesitation, Martin responded, "The living one, of course!"

 

[aum]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

[aum]

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer pa home?" he asked.
"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."
"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"
"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he went with pa and ma."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one; Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."
Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally conceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

 

[aum]

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

 

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

 

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

 

[aum]

A young boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the back wheels falls off and rolls down the hill.

The young boy says: “I’ll be darned.”

 

A local pastor heard him and said: You should not say that.

Next time your wheel falls off say: ‘Praise the Lord.’”

 

So the next day the young boy is pulling his wagon up the hill and the wheel falls off and rolls down the hill.

The young boy says: “Praise the Lord.”

The wheel stops rolling, turns around, roIIs back up the hill and puts itself back on the wagon.

 

The young boy being very surprised by this exclaims: “I’ll be darned!”