[JOTD] Joke of the day

[MagicSahar]

[Karlston]

[lurch234]

On 4/8/2024 at 2:57 PM, Karlston said:

 

Spoiler

 

 

Would've added a pair of protective eye wear to screw with them more!

[ducky88]

The wife said what would really be a nice birthday surprise was if I got her something to run around town in.

So I bought her a tracksuit and a new pair of trainers.

[Dce3480]

Okay Okay Everybody Just Hold on a Minute This is The User @fl0ppyd1scours3 Girlfriend

She Plays Doom alot

And when they Make Love for a While and watch "Soul Train" and Use Cracks on nsane.forums well You get the Picture!

The Floppy Drive Disc pop and lock Dance!

Edited April 18 by Dce3480

[aum]

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

[aum]

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "Close Enough."

 

[aum]

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place.

Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

“Great idea!” the chicken cried.

 

“Let’s offer them ham and eggs?”

“Not so fast,” said the pig testily.

 

“For you, that’s a contribution. For me, it’s a total commitment.”

[aum]

Two football players were taking an important final exam.

If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week.

The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a ___.”

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer.

He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.

“Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?”

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba.

“Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm.”

“Oh yeah,” said Bubba. “I remember now.”

 

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.

He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”

 

“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”

[aum]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud knocking on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”

He then returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.

“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

 

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

 

“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.

 

[aum]

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.

It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

 

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, "We’ve got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers."

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

 

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.

Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said, "Shes lying."

She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, "Don’t believe him, he is getting senile."

 

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ….

 

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"

 

[Dce3480]

Edited April 13 by Dce3480

[aum]

Morris an old man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.

“How much do they cost?” he asked the salesperson.

“That depends,” he said. “They run from $2.00 to $2,000.”

“Let’s see the $2.00 model,” said Morris the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Morris’ neck.

“You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,” he instructed.

“How does it work?” , asked Morris.

 

“For $2.00 it doesn’t work,” the salesperson replied. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder.”

[aum]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

 

[aum]

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English — what’s wrong with me?”

“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “You’re just lazy.”

The man nods.

 

“Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.

[Karlston]

[aum]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

 

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says: “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediately says: “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks: “And what are those?”  

 

The Aussie, fed up with the bragging, asks with an incredulous look: “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

[aum]

Miser to son: "Son, how much did it cost when you took your girlfriend to dinner yesterday?"
Son: "Dad, it was only $25.00."
Dad: "Oh, that’s not too bad."

Son: "It would've been more, but that was all the money she had on her."

 

[aum]

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like Dad!"

 

Her mother replied, "So what you want from me, sympathy?"

 

[aum]

My wife demanded I stop taking Viagra each morning before I leave for the office, and replace it with Omega-3 and B vitamins.

She wants me to work smarter, not harder.

 

[aum]

Two men are in a doctor's office.

Each of them are to get a vasectomy. The nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."

 

A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.

Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?"

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

 

The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.

After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.

 

The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blxx job?"

 

The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.

 

[aum]

My friend is notorious for waiting until the needle is on empty before filling his gas tank. Finally his car died on him, and we had to push it to the nearest filling station. After my friend finished pumping gas, the attendant asked if he had learned anything.

“Yeah,” my friend muttered, “I learned I have a 15-gallon tank.”

 

[aum]

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal.

 

Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.
"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."