aum Posted April 22 Share Posted April 22 Tom is 33 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?” Tom replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.” His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.” A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?” With a frown on his face, Tom answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.” The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?” Tom replied, “My father doesn’t like her.” TrojanK, ducky88, funkyy and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted April 22 Share Posted April 22 Spoiler I like Brussels Sprouts funkyy, aum and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted April 23 Share Posted April 23 (edited) Edited Monday at 06:48 PM by Dce3480 Karlston and lurch234 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted April 23 Share Posted April 23 ducky88, funkyy and TrojanK 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted April 24 Share Posted April 24 aum, ducky88, TrojanK and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted April 24 Share Posted April 24 (edited) Edited Monday at 10:33 PM by Dce3480 Karlston and lurch234 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 A couple had their first baby. After a week or so the mother thought she could use a break and went shopping leaving the little baby with the proud father. It was only a short while before the baby started to cry. The perplexed father tried all of the tricks that he remembered his wife doing but to no avail. Finally after a half hour in desperation he went to the doctor. After checking all of the regular things the doctor discovered it was just a dirty diaper. “I don’t understand the perplexed father said “I knew it was dirty, but the diaper package said specifically that it was good up to 8 pounds!” funkyy, Karlston, ducky88 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 ducky88, funkyy and aum 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funkyy Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 @Karlston lol got the "Free Wife" and then 2 days later I just noticed "Coffee Brick" and "Message"......better late than never lol. Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted April 25 Share Posted April 25 @funkyy Don't feel bad, I only noticed the latter two just now after you mentioned them. Had seen no more than free wife/wifi and "coffee" misspelled. funkyy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funkyy Posted April 26 Share Posted April 26 @Karlston OMG...now I notice "cofee" after reading your post. I need new eyes. Karlston and aum 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted April 26 Share Posted April 26 funkyy, ducky88, manpe and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted April 27 Share Posted April 27 Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in a text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you. Regards, Alan. NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE* Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, then grabbed his gun and shot his neighbor Alan dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa. Fred took out his phone where he saw a second message from Alan. SECOND MESSAGE* Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” That’s today’s technology for you, hey? Regards, Alan Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted April 27 Share Posted April 27 After Friday prayers an Imam announced to the people: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." Karlston and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted April 27 Share Posted April 27 The other day I went over to a nearby Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the Store to where the Pharmacists Counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter. The Pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said: Yes! Could you please taste this for me?” Being I’m a Senior Citizen, I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing. When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked: Now, does that taste sweet to you?” The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled: HELL NO!” So I said: Oh thank God! That’s such a relief! My Doctor told me to get a Pharmacist to test my Urine for sugar!” Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted April 27 Share Posted April 27 A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.” The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. “You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. “Well, did you see this?” “Yes,” motioned the monkey. “What happened?” The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. “They were drinking?” asked the officer. The monkey shakes his head “Yes.” “What else?” The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. “They were smoking m^riju^na?” The monkey shakes his head “Yes.” “What else?” The monkey motioned “kissing.” “They were kissing, too?” asked the astounded officer. The monkey shakes his head “Yes.” “Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked.“ The monkey shakes his head “Yes.” “What were you doing during all this?” “Driving” motioned the monkey. ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted Sunday at 07:57 AM Share Posted Sunday at 07:57 AM ducky88 and funkyy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted Sunday at 06:56 PM Share Posted Sunday at 06:56 PM funkyy and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted Monday at 03:05 PM Share Posted Monday at 03:05 PM Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting home bound patients when she ran out of gas.As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I'm becoming Catholic.” ducky88 and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted Monday at 03:10 PM Share Posted Monday at 03:10 PM Two young boys were closely examining bathroom scales at the department store. "What's it for?" one asked. The other replied. "You stand on it and it makes you real mad." Karlston, ducky88 and Adenman 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted Monday at 03:46 PM Share Posted Monday at 03:46 PM A married couple were quarreling. Wife: You said you would love me more after marriage? Husband: I did, but I didn't think you would say yes. Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted Monday at 03:53 PM Share Posted Monday at 03:53 PM A delightful, angelic little boy Johnny was waiting for his mom outside the ladies’ room of the gas station. A man approached him and asked, “Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?” The little Johnny cheerily replied, “Sure, mister! Just go down this street two blocks and turn left. It’s on the right. You can’t miss it.” The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday I’ll show you how to get to Heaven!” The little Johnny replied with a chuckle, “You’re sh*tting me, right? You can’t even find the Post Office!” funkyy, ducky88 and Adenman 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted Monday at 03:59 PM Share Posted Monday at 03:59 PM A hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. In a worried state, she awakens her husband and they both set off to find the old woman. Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there’s the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion! “Quick, darling,” the wife shouts frantically, “Do something!” “Oh, no,” the husband says, “That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!” Adenman, Karlston, ducky88 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted Monday at 07:04 PM Share Posted Monday at 07:04 PM ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dce3480 Posted Monday at 07:23 PM Share Posted Monday at 07:23 PM lurch234 and Karlston 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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