[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Dce3480]

Edited April 16 by Dce3480

[Karlston]

[funkyy]

@Karlston  Same rule applies when I'm negotiating with my wife.

[aum]

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

 

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult...I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is..."
"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. You were perfectly right..."
"You want to speak with her? All right."

He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

 

[aum]

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that "we're just waiting for the pilots."

 

The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.

 

The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.

In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

 

 

[aum]

An American enters a Swiss bank with a giant, heavy sack in each of his hands. He goes to the teller, brings his face close to the glass and whispers, "I have two million dollars with me. I urgently need to open a secret Swiss bank account!"

The Swiss bank teller replies in a normal volume, "Sir, there's no need to whisper. Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

 

[aum]

An old farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.

 

As he approached, the ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent.

“We can’t allow animals in the theater.” 

 

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. 

Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.  

 

He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.

The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie. 

 

“Marge,” whispered Mildred.

“What?” said Marge.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.

“He undid his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred.

“Eh, don’t worry about it,” said Marge.

“At our age we’ve seen ’em all.”

 

“I thought so too,” said Mildred, “but this one’s eating my popcorn!”

[Dce3480]

Edited April 16 by Dce3480

[Karlston]

[Rainmaker]

 

// R

Edited April 17 by Rainmaker
messed up link

[Karlston]

@Rainmaker Sorry, I'm only seeing a gmail link in your post. You may want to upload the image to say Imgur and then replace the post link.

 

(Or you could just give us all access to your Gmail account )

[haris_sane69]

[Dce3480]

Edited April 18 by Dce3480

[aum]

"Dad, I want to become a politician," said Jim.

His father asked, "And what are you doing to become one?"
"Nothing, dad."

"Good, you're halfway there then."

 

[aum]

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."

 

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

 

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

 

[aum]

An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a young boy walking down the street dragging something behind him.

 

He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you got there?" to which the boy replies, "It's duct tape, I'm gonna go catch me some ducks." The old man laughs and he calls out, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

 

The little boy laughs and continues on his way, returning a few short hours later, and behind him, he is dragging 8 ducks, all wrapped up in the duct tape. The old man can't believe his eyes.

 

The next day, the old man is sitting on his porch again and along comes the little boy dragging something behind him. When the old man asks what he's got this time, the boy replies, "It's a spool of chicken wire, I'm going to catch some chickens in it." Well the old man begins to laugh quite hard, telling the boy, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire."

 

The boy laughs himself, and says back, "That's what you said about the duct tape," and he continues on his way, with the old man laughing like crazy.

 

A few hours later the old man is surprised to see the boy coming back, and even more shocked to see that behind him he is dragging 10 chickens, all tangled up in the chicken wire, he can't believe his eyes again.

 

The next day, the old man is sitting there wondering what the little boy will be up to next, and sure enough he sees him coming down the street with something in his hand. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you go there today?

 

"The boy responds, "It's a pussy willow." The man then replies, "Hang on son, I'll get my hat!"

 

[aum]

If you love something, set it free.

 

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

 

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize you set it free.

 

You either married it or gave birth to it.

 

[aum]

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

 

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up to Chuck’s house and said,

“Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Chuck said, “OK, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”

Chuck said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.”

 

A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?”

Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.”

The farmer said, “Didn‘t anyone complain?”

 

Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”

 

[Karlston]

[aum]

I threw a ball for my dog.

It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a Tuxedo.

 

[aum]

A teacher says, “Okay, class. Today we’re going to be talking about the tenses. If I say ‘I’m beautiful,’ which tense is it?”

 

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “Obviously past tense, Miss.”

 

[aum]

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull."What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner."What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

 

[aum]

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: I am, bit by bit.