[JOTD] Joke of the day

[aum]

[Karlston]

[funkyy]

@Karlston  The wife tried that with me...but we live on the ground floor.

[aum]

I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"

 

Such a random way to start a conversation.

 

[aum]

[aum]

[aum]

[aum]

[aum]

[aum]

[aum]

[aum]

[aum]

Employee Appreciation week (no raises for last four years)

 

[malan]

[aum]

[aum]

[Karlston]

[aum]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro roll up to an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer, halts them and sternly declares, "It's illegal to cram five people into a Quattro. 'Quattro' means four."

The Englishman, incredulous, retorts, "Quattro is just the name of the car! Check the papers: it's designed for five."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You've got five folks in there; it's against the law."

The Englishman, now irate, demands, "Get your supervisor! I need someone with more intelligence!"

Paddy quips back, "Sorry, Murphy's tied up with two blokes in a Fiat Uno.
 

[aum]

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

 

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

 

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

 

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

 

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

 

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

 

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

 

"And what were the first words you saw?"

 

"Chapter 11."

 

[aum]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh, "let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

[aum]

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.
It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

 

[aum]

Two Irishmen had just won $500,000 in a lottery.

 

Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, "What about all them beggin letters? "

 

Sean replies, "We'll just keep sending them."

 

[aum]

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"

"No," replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
 

 

[Dce3480]

[Karlston]