aum Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing. "Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something." Mr. Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?" The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid." Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 A man goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?" The man anxiously answers, "Yes." "Take the poison," says the Rabbi. Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter. "So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?" Katie replied, "I think it’s my Uncle Brian." Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blonde replied, 'Two popsicles and some coffee.' funkyy and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 A farmer named Patrick lived alone in the Irish countryside with his pet dog. The dog finally died, and Patrick went to the parish priest, saying. “Father, my dog died. Could you possibly say Mass for the poor creature?” Father Murphy told the farmer, “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.” Patrick said, “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think €5,000 is enough to donate to the service?” Father Murphy exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?” Karlston and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 Adenman and Karlston 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 ducky88 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 Adenman and Karlston 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 13 Share Posted February 13 My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight began. Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 A woman walks into her bathroom to see her husband sucking in his stomach. "You know that won't help you lose weight," she says. "I know that," says the husband. "But it will help me see the numbers." Adenman and TrojanK 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.noziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf Karlston and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 Waitress: How did you find your steak Sir? I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was. Karlston and Adenman 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write 'A very good doctor'. Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again. Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 I saw a book at the store today called "How to end 50% of your problems" I bought two. Adenman, Karlston and TrojanK 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?" "How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!" Adenman 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 Which one is faster: hot or cold? Hot. You can catch a cold. Adenman and ducky88 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 For her birthday present, I took my wife to an orchard, and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour. Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently. ducky88, Adenman, TrojanK and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted February 14 Share Posted February 14 My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week. I don’t know how much she charges. ducky88, Adenman and funkyy 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.