[JOTD] Joke of the day

[STEEL]

Mega LoL .... Ok Tough Guys , Let me put a Question to you all - If your Wife/Lover/Girlfriend/Mistress/Baby Mama were to Crash your Car, what would you do ?? I expect all your Responses guys, so Please indulge me .. Cheers.. :P

Hey Baby, I want U to crash my Car!!! :P

Oops, it's a £700,000 prang... Hapless blonde crashes her Bentley into a Merc, Porsche, Ferrari and Aston Martin

Seriously ???????????? Is this your Answer or you didn't get my Question ??? I said " Let me put a Question to you all - If your Wife/Lover/Girlfriend/Mistress/Baby Mama were to Crash your Car, what would you do ?? So - What is your Answer?? :P :P Cheers

ILL make U Wonder about that ONE for know, first I need U to pass my FEMALE DRIVERS INSURANCE ??? :lol:

[Yorel]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: . You're absolutely right. There always will be peope who say, "In Jaunary I'll join a Gym" :lol:

[Turk]

One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village.

On the front lawn were six cougar ladies, lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six cougar ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her?

"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn"?

"Yes", she said, "aren't they darlings? They're just retired pros - they're having a garage sale".

[SlimRock]

Dead JokE

[kn_andre]

Mega LoL .... Ok Tough Guys , Let me put a Question to you all - If your Wife/Lover/Girlfriend/Mistress/Baby Mama were to Crash your Car, what would you do ?? I expect all your Responses guys, so Please indulge me .. Cheers.. :P

Hey Baby, I want U to crash my Car!!! :POops, it's a £700,000 prang... Hapless blonde crashes her Bentley into a Merc, Porsche, Ferrari and Aston Martin

Seriously ???????????? Is this your Answer or you didn't get my Question ??? I said " Let me put a Question to you all - If your Wife/Lover/Girlfriend/Mistress/Baby Mama were to Crash your Car, what would you do ?? So - What is your Answer?? :P :P Cheers

ILL make U Wonder about that ONE for know, first I need U to pass my FEMALE DRIVERS INSURANCE ??? :lol:

No thanks :p :P.... I'll take a Rain Cheque on that .... Cheers

[kn_andre]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely

nowhere with her Adult aStammerer's Action Group.

She had tried every technique in the book,

but still they stammered and stuttered.

Finally, totally exasperated, she said :

"If any of you can tell me where you were born,

without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate

sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."

The young Englishman immediately piped up :

"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham"

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist,

"Who's next?"

The young Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out:

"G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".

" Nah, That's no better either, Hamish.

Now, how about you, Paddy?"

The young Irishman, remembered what he had been

taught, took a deep breath, counted to 5 and

eventually blurted out : " London ".

"Brilliant, Paddy !!" said the speech therapist ...

and immediately took him to the next room

and set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex,

they paused for breath and Paddy then said :

".... d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

:lol: :lol: :lol: . BTW, only 15 minutes? :P

Oh Really ?? Then how Long can you last ???? Cheers

[SlimRock]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired
of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are
perceived as silly, so she decides to show her husband
that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she
is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The
next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she
gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives
home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on
the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur
coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she
is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all
blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat
on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the
paint can and it said "For best results, put on two
coats." :rofl:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Josh lusted after Linda.
When she finally agreed to go out with him, he took her
out to dinner and then afterwards, drove her five miles
out into the country, parked, and said passionately, "I
want you right here, right now. Do it... or you can walk
home!" Without saying a word, Linda got out of the car
and walked home.
A month later, after much apologising, Linda agreed to
go out with Josh again. This time he drove ten miles out
in the country, parked, and begged, "Please. I must
make love to you right now. Do it... or walk home!"
Again, Linda walked home.
Two months later, after even more apologising and gifts
of flowers and jewellery, she accepted another
invitation. This time, just to make sure, Josh drove fifty
miles out of town and gave her the same ultimatum.
Without a word, Linda undressed and gave him the
greatest sex of his young life. As they were driving
home, Josh asked, "Why did you walk home the first
two dates, when you so obviously enjoy sex?" Linda
answered,
"Well, it's like this: I'll walk five miles or even ten miles
to save a friend from AIDS, but fifty..." :lol:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when
you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the
most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give
her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in
Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe,
an Infinite Visa Card and to makelove to her three times a
day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with
the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give
importance to what he said and then continues the
lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch." :naughty:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was this businessman who was getting ready to
go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a
flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her
something to keep her occupied while he was gone,
because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing
someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys
and started looking around. He thought about a life-
sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man
for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking
for something special to please his wife, and started
talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained
his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really
know of anything that will do the trick. We have
vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I
don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the
man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need
something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but
there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this
voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out
an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He
opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It
looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man
replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He
pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the
door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door
shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down
the middle. Before the door could split, the old man
said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo
dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there
quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the
businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for
sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The
guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special
dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say
"Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied
that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was
unbearably horny. She thought of several people who
would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered
the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick,
my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and
started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided
she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was
stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it
out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to
tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the
hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes
on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital,
quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way,
another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road,
and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for
her license, and then asked how much she'd had to
drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she
hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck
in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said
"Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ass!" :lmao:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom,
she noticed that someone had written the word
'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned
the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she
rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the
word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time
it was written about halfway across the board. Again
she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she
proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for
about a week, she went into the classroom and found
the same disgusting word written on the board, each
day's being larger than the previous one, and each
being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second
week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the
same word on the board but instead found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets." :tooth:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

[Yorel]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely

nowhere with her Adult aStammerer's Action Group.

She had tried every technique in the book,

but still they stammered and stuttered.

Finally, totally exasperated, she said :

"If any of you can tell me where you were born,

without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate

sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."

The young Englishman immediately piped up :

"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham"

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist,

"Who's next?"

The young Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out:

"G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".

" Nah, That's no better either, Hamish.

Now, how about you, Paddy?"

The young Irishman, remembered what he had been

taught, took a deep breath, counted to 5 and

eventually blurted out : " London ".

"Brilliant, Paddy !!" said the speech therapist ...

and immediately took him to the next room

and set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex,

they paused for breath and Paddy then said :

".... d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

:lol: :lol: :lol: . BTW, only 15 minutes? :P

Oh Really ?? Then how Long can you last ???? Cheers

At least....16 :P

[Turk]

During a biology lecture, at a major Australian University, A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat'. !!!!!

[kn_andre]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely

nowhere with her Adult aStammerer's Action Group.

She had tried every technique in the book,

but still they stammered and stuttered.

Finally, totally exasperated, she said :

"If any of you can tell me where you were born,

without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate

sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."

The young Englishman immediately piped up :

"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham"

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist,

"Who's next?"

The young Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out:

"G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".

" Nah, That's no better either, Hamish.

Now, how about you, Paddy?"

The young Irishman, remembered what he had been

taught, took a deep breath, counted to 5 and

eventually blurted out : " London ".

"Brilliant, Paddy !!" said the speech therapist ...

and immediately took him to the next room

and set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex,

they paused for breath and Paddy then said :

".... d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

:lol: :lol: :lol: . BTW, only 15 minutes? :P

Oh Really ?? Then how Long can you last ???? Cheers

At least....16 :P

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmn 16 minutes huh??? Do you Honestly think you will win the Guinness Book of Records with your Time or do you realize that there are Many Others who Last Way Much Much Longer than you ??? :P ..Cheers

NB.. Just how did you arrive at this Time?? Did you use a Stop Watch to Time your Self while doing "it" or you were looking at your Watch ???

Edited January 8, 2014 by kn_andre

[dMog]

@turk...where do you find all these jokes...good work we need more chuckles in life.....

[kn_andre]

@turk...where do you find all these jokes...good work we need more chuckles in life.....

@Turk got jokes because he shares a lot of "Stuff" in Common with Me :P :P ... And we Exchange Fluids ... Sorry my Bad, I mean We exchange " Ideas " Together a Whole Lot .. :P :P ... Cheers Guys ... LoL

[SlimRock]

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that? George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.'' ''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.'' :P

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Caller ID

Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you don't have an Uncle Paul. Oh yes I do, & he's upstairs in the room with mommy right now. Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddy's car just pulled up. Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone. I did it daddy. And what happened honey? Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isn't movin at all! OMG!!! What about your Uncle Paul? He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think hes dead! Real long pause! Then daddy says, swimming pool? Is this 486-5732? Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number. :lol:

[STEEL]

[STEEL]

[STEEL]

[dMog]

pushed that damn button 12 times and the beibs still lives..you lied

[Turk]

A lady picked up several items at a discount store in Australia. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax supersize.' But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer.

[lurch234]

or the kind one you belt in with a hammer.

[Turk]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was

constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

So they met and it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to

join him for a weekend in a romantic motel. Their first night there, she

undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in

his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but

down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties,

and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black cloth-sheat on his tool.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black cloth?"

He replied, "please grab it, it wants to offer my deepest condolences."

[OrioNeXus]

A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand.

“We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.

“Just my sister in New York,” he volunteered. “But she’s a spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters;’ they are married to God.”

“Really…wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

[SlimRock]

[Turk]

Tommy, next door mate's son calls in to see Paddy, who has just broken his leg.

Paddy says 'Me feet are freezing, go upstairs and get me slippers'

'No bother Paddy, me old Uncle'

Tommy runs upstairs where he sees Paddy's 19yr old twins, naked on

their beds.

'Hello there girls, ya dah's sent me up here to shag ya both!

'Fook off ya liar' they say

'I'll prove it ' says Tommy and shouts downstairs, 'Both of them

Paddy?'

'Of course, what's the use of fookin one'.

[kn_andre]

A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand.

“We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.

“Just my sister in New York,” he volunteered. “But she’s a spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters;’ they are married to God.”

“Really…wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

LoL ... Really Nice One .... Nice Logic too... :P Enjoy your Weekend and Cheers ..

[kn_andre]

Tommy, next door mate's son calls in to see Paddy, who has just broken his leg.Paddy says 'Me feet are freezing, go upstairs and get me slippers''No bother Paddy, me old Uncle'Tommy runs upstairs where he sees Paddy's 19yr old twins, naked on their beds.'Hello there girls, ya dah's sent me up here to shag ya both!'Fook off ya liar' they say . I'll prove it ' says Tommy and shouts downstairs, 'Both of them Paddy?''Of course, what's the use of fookin one'.

Funny Irish Joke .... :P :P ... Sneaky Bloke wants to get a Shag through a Con .... LoL Galore ... Cheers ...