[JOTD] Joke of the day

[SlimRock]

[STEEL]

[SlimRock]

Heights of :-

1) Fashion?
Lungi with a zip.

2) Laziness?
Asking lift for morning walk.

3) Craziness?
Get blank paper xerox.

4) Honesty?
Pregnant woman taking 2 tickets.

5) Dehydration?
Cow giving milk powder.

6) Hope?
A 99 yr. Old woman going for 295/-recharge to get lifetime incoming.

7) Stupidity?
Looking through key hole of a glass door.

8 ) Suicide attempt?
A dwarf jumps from the footpath on the road.

9) Height of free time?
You are reading the whole msg.... :P

[SlimRock]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for the fucking wall!''' :lol:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHO SAID THAT?

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades
and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of
this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can
leave early today.??

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and
will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep
their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?" :rofl:

[SlimRock]

[SlimRock]

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called 'rodeo'. :naughty:
His friend said, "No what is it?" :nono:
"Well, you mount your wife from the back, reach around her and cup her breasts with both hands. Then you say, 'Boy these are almost as nice as your sister's'.
Now see if you can hang on for eight seconds." :rofl:

[SlimRock]

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!" :injured:

[SlimRock]

:rofl:

[Turk]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife

goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around

the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she

goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's

testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it

around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a

blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into

the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know

where we were .... or what we did ... but, by God ... We took first and second place.

[STEEL]

[locoJoe]

Did you know that Mr Miyagi was a fapper before the word fapper existed? yep, remember this, "wax on - whacks off"? :)

Edited January 25, 2014 by locoJoe

[SlimRock]

Two strangers, a man and woman are seated at a dinner party together. The man turns to the woman and says, I've got a hypothetical question for you, miss.

The woman, curious, says "O.K. shoot."

The man says "If a man were to offer you one million dollars to sleep with him, would you do it?"

The woman thinks for a moment and finally answers "I guess I would...for a million dollars."

The man smiles and says "Then will you sleep with me for thirty-five dollars?"

The woman, with a shocked expression on her face, stands and screams at the man, "Of course I won't. What do you think I am!"

To which the man replies, "We've already determined WHAT you are, now we're just negotiating the price."

[SlimRock]

Murphy and Mary decided to try a 69 Murphy's never done one before, so Mary says i'll show you. She tells him to lie on the floor and she squats over him. as she lowers herself onto his face she farts apologising she tries again, but farts again. Murphy jumps up and storms away yelling. " I'll be damned If, I'm going to put up with another 67 of those ... :rofl:

[locoJoe]

Murphy and Mary decided to try a 69 Murphy's never done one before, so Mary says i'll show you. She tells him to lie on the floor and she squats over him. as she lowers herself onto his face she farts apologising she tries again, but farts again. Murphy jumps up and storms away yelling. " I'll be damned If, I'm going to put up with another 67 of those ... :rofl:

This is an old "Gene Tracy - Truckstop Joke" originally on 8-track tape from way back in the day. I dunno if this particular joke was on "Truck Stop #1" or not but check it out if you want:

Edited January 25, 2014 by locoJoe

[locoJoe]

A man is sitting at the bar with his wife and best buddy. This drunk staggers over and proclaims to the mans wife that he would like to "eat her pussy full of ice cream" then he stumbles off. The mans best buddy says, "arent you going to do anything about that"? The man smiles and says to his buddy, "anyone that can eat that much ice cream is someone that I dont wanna mess with". :)

-Gene Tracy - Truck Stop

Edited January 25, 2014 by locoJoe

[Turk]

He is old, she is 20, and it was the talk of the town when an old

man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the

hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the old fellow saying,"this is

amazing! How do you do it at your age?"

He answered,"You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again

The same nurse said, "You're amazing, how do you do it?"

He again said "you've got to keep the old motor running".

The same thing happened the next year.

The nurse then said, "well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!!!

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running.

The nurse said,"Well you better change your oil, this one is black!"

[SlimRock]

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint,come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend.

He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!”

The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?” :lol:

[SlimRock]

Eric gets home late one night and Sarah, his wife, asks “Where the hell have you been?” Eric replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly. :naughty:

“What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would a Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.” :rofl: :lmao: :rofl:

[SlimRock]

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that man nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around. :rofl:

[SlimRock]

About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.

The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine." :lmao: :rockon:

[SlimRock]

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.' :P

[SlimRock]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." :lol:

[SlimRock]

SWEARING AT WORK!

Dear Employees:
It has been brought to managements attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 new and innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1. TRY SAYING - I think you could do with more training
INSTEAD OF - You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2. TRY SAYING - She's an aggressive go-getter
INSTEAD OF - She's a f***ing power crazy b**ch..

3. TRY SAYING - Perhaps I can work late
INSTEAD OF - And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4. TRY SAYING - I'm certain that isn't feasible
INSTEAD OF - F*** off a*se-hole

5. TRY SAYING - Really?
INSTEAD OF - Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6. TRY SAYING - Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF - Tell someone who gives a f***

7. TRY SAYING - I wasn't involved in the project
INSTEAD OF - Not my f***ing problem, mate

8. TRY SAYING - That's interesting
INSTEAD OF - What the f***?

9. TRY SAYING - I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale
INSTEAD OF - No f***ing chance, mate

10. TRY SAYING - It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
INSTEAD OF - Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11. TRY SAYING - He's not familiar with the issues
INSTEAD OF - He's got his head up his f***ing a*se

12. TRY SAYING - Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF - Oi, f***face

13. TRY SAYING - Of course, I was only going to be at home, anyway.

INSTEAD OF - Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway. :chair: :rofl: :rofl:

[Turk]

Yeyo thanks, but to many at once, keep some of them for famine days :)

[SlimRock]

Yeyo thanks, but to many at once, keep some of them for famine days :)

I'm going to be offline until probably the middle of next week! :)