[JOTD] Joke of the day

[kn_andre]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept throught the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was sleeping, "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The teacher said, "very good" and continued teaching the class. A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!" " shouted Mary Margaret and the teacher once again said "very good and Mary Margaret fell back to sleep.

The teacher asked her a third question "what did Eve say to Adam after she had her tenth child?" Again, Johnny to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "if you stick me with that damn thing one more time, I'll break it in half!" The teacher fainted

Nice One ....... Made me LoL .... Cheers for Sharing ...

[Roger D]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually, she slept throught the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was sleeping, "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The teacher said, "very good" and continued teaching the class. A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!" " shouted Mary Margaret and the teacher once again said "very good and Mary Margaret fell back to sleep.

The teacher asked her a third question "what did Eve say to Adam after she had her tenth child?" Again, Johnny to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "if you stick me with that damn thing one more time, I'll break it in half!" The teacher fainted

:lol: :lol: :lmao:

[SlimRock]

A husband and wife were shopping in the local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in the shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price." :rofl:

_________________________________________________________________________________________

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
...
She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. :lol:

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful swines should remember fairies are female. :P

[lurch234]

An average week illustrated with beverages

[Roger D]

Former Fapper.. :P

The first time sanjoa had sex, he suddenly stopped and didn't move.
His girlfriend looked at him and said, Don't stop! What are you doing?"
sanjoa said back to her: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering...

[sanjoa]

Former Fapper.. :P

The first time sanjoa had sex, he suddenly stopped and didn't move.

His girlfriend looked at him and said, Don't stop! What are you doing?"

sanjoa said back to her: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering...

yo big son of a .... :lmao: :rofl: :lmao:

edit: btw, I have had sex for the first time 7 years ago.

Edited February 4, 2014 by sanjoa

[x_engineer_x]

An Englishman says to his friend, the Scotsman, that he has a

perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.

"I go in at well past 9 o’clock in the evening, eat several courses

slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar.

- - Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep

sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.

Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.'

The Scotsman is very impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the Scotsman books them into fine a restaurant and come 2 o’clock

in the morning, they are both still quietly sitting there after a very

full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.

The Englishman just says: "I've already

paid your colleague who has left."

And the Scotsman adds:

"And we are still waiting for the change!"

[kn_andre]

An Englishman says to his friend, the Scotsman, that he has a

perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.

"I go in at well past 9 o’clock in the evening, eat several courses

slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar.

- - Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep

sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.

Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.'

The Scotsman is very impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the Scotsman books them into fine a restaurant and come 2 o’clock

in the morning, they are both still quietly sitting there after a very

full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.

The Englishman just says: "I've already

paid your colleague who has left."

And the Scotsman adds:

"And we are still waiting for the change!"

:) :) :) :) ;) ;) ;) ;) Cheers for Sharing ...

[Turk]

Morris came home and found his wife Sadie crying.

She said, "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you're having an affair

with your secretary. Why would you do that to me?

I've always been a good wife. I've cooked for you, raised your children,

and have always been by your side for 35 years. What haven't I done to make

you happy?"

Morris replied, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could

hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex."

Sadie said, "If I moaned when we have sex, would you stop running around?

All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex."

They went to the bedroom, got undressed, and jumped into bed.

As they started kissing, Sadie said, "Now, Morris? Should I moan now?"

He said, "No, not yet."

He started to fondle her and she said, "What about now? Should I moan now?"

He said, "No, I'll tell you when."

She said, "Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?"

He said, "Wait, wait, I'll tell you when."

A few minutes later, just seconds before he was going to finish, he said

"Now, Sadie. Moan. Moan!"

She said, "Oy, you wouldn't believe what a day I had..."

[SlimRock]

WHY I STOPPED DATING SCHOOL GIRLS:
She came to my house in school
uniform, looked me in my eyes & said
"Sweetheart, I have
missed my periods...".
Thats wen I fainted & when I woke up in a hosipital, I
over heard her telling the nurse that
"I did'nt know he cared so much about my academic
life....
all I wanted to tell him was that I had missed my
periods for Maths & English, but he fainted before I could finish!" :P

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Skelton's Recipe for the Perfect Marriage!

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere...but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust."

14. A beggar walked up to my wife who was shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."

15. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

16. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

17. I inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day I received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

18. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

19. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

20. How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

21. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

22. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

23. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

24. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied,"I don't know son, I'm still paying." :lol:

[SlimRock]

:lol: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :lol:

[kn_andre]

Morris came home and found his wife Sadie crying.

She said, "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you're having an affair

with your secretary. Why would you do that to me?

I've always been a good wife. I've cooked for you, raised your children,

and have always been by your side for 35 years. What haven't I done to make

you happy?"

Morris replied, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could

hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex."

Sadie said, "If I moaned when we have sex, would you stop running around?

All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex."

They went to the bedroom, got undressed, and jumped into bed.

As they started kissing, Sadie said, "Now, Morris? Should I moan now?"

He said, "No, not yet."

He started to fondle her and she said, "What about now? Should I moan now?"

He said, "No, I'll tell you when."

She said, "Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?"

He said, "Wait, wait, I'll tell you when."

A few minutes later, just seconds before he was going to finish, he said

"Now, Sadie. Moan. Moan!"

She said, "Oy, you wouldn't believe what a day I had..."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ...... Be careful for what you wish for ...... :P :P :P :P :P .... Nice joke ... Cheers

Edited February 6, 2014 by kn_andre

[Roger D]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[x_engineer_x]

Little Johnny awoke one night to hear strange noises coming from his parents bedroom. When he opened the door his dad was on his mom naked . He said"Dad what are you and mom doing? His dad told him "I'm parking my car in yours mom's garage. Go back to bed."

Well the next day, the girl next door came over to play with johnny. He said " I have a new game for us to play." what's it called the girl replied . It's called parking the car . Wanna try it he said. Sure said the little girl.

Well Johnny tells her how to play and they get off to a good start. A few minutes later all you can here is little Johnny screaming . His mom rushes into the room and says" what the hell is going on here? . The girl tries her best to explain. She said "You see we were playing park the car and johnny got his car all most all the way in. The back tires wouldnt fit so I cut them off!

[kn_andre]

Little Johnny awoke one night to hear strange noises coming from his parents bedroom. When he opened the door his dad was on his mom naked . He said"Dad what are you and mom doing? His dad told him "I'm parking my car in yours mom's garage. Go back to bed."

Well the next day, the girl next door came over to play with johnny. He said " I have a new game for us to play." what's it called the girl replied . It's called parking the car . Wanna try it he said. Sure said the little girl.

Well Johnny tells her how to play and they get off to a good start. A few minutes later all you can here is little Johnny screaming . His mom rushes into the room and says" what the hell is going on here? . The girl tries her best to explain. She said "You see we were playing park the car and johnny got his car all most all the way in. The back tires wouldnt fit so I cut them off!

Snip Snip and..... wait for it........ :( :( :( :( . Ouch !!!!!!!!!! :s :s :s :s And Little Johnny Lost his " Nuts " :P :P :P Cheers for Sharing ...

[SlimRock]

What's the difference between movies having Certificate - U, A, XX, XXX?

U: Hero gets the heroine
A: Villain gets the heroine
XX: All the actors get the heroine
XXX: Entire shooting unit gets the heroine! :P

[SlimRock]

An old lady came into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem:

“I fart all the time, Dr. Johnson, but they’re silent, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?”

“Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days. Then come back to see me in a week.”

The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson’s office: “Doctor,

I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is now much worse. I’m farting just as much, and they’re still silent, but now they smell terrible!

What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Calm down, Mrs. Barker,” replied the doctor soothingly. “Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we can begin to work on your hearing!!” :lol:

[SlimRock]

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?”

The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful…”

“Wrong!,” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question,

“What is Easter?”

The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.” St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks,

“What is Easter?”

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.” “Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.

“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.” St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out… and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.” :rofl:

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A guy was on a business trip in Houston and buys a really cool pair of snakeskin boots. He can’t wait to show his new boots to his wife. Upon returning from his trip late the next evening, his wife is in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He quickly strips down naked except for his new snakeskin boots and stands in the bedroom to wait for her. As the wife emerges from the bathroom her husband asks, “Well honey, do you notice anything special?” to which the wife replies, “Yeah, it’s limp!” “It’s not limp!” exclaims the husband. “It’s admiring my new snakeskin boots!” :lol:

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?” ” No,” he replied, “arthritis. :lmao: :rofl: :rofl:

[x_engineer_x]

There are three moms. .

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.

They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"

They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.

Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

[Turk]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very

faithful and loving wives...... however, they had gotten

over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, while

walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery

they were passing.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take

off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather

expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was

lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a

ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The

next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally

sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the

other husband and said "These damn girls nights have got to

stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst....... my wife came home with no panties!

I'll kill the son of a bitch!" "That's nothing" said the other husband,

"Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her ass that said

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

[kn_andre]

There are three moms. .

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.

They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"

They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.

Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very

faithful and loving wives...... however, they had gotten

over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, while

walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery

they were passing.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take

off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather

expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was

lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a

ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The

next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally

sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the

other husband and said "These damn girls nights have got to

stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst....... my wife came home with no panties!

I'll kill the son of a bitch!" "That's nothing" said the other husband,

"Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her ass that said

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

Mega LoL ..... :D :D :D :D :D :D :D ..... Thanks for making me Laugh .. The Blonde Jokes was a Blast :P :P .... Happy weekend Guys and Cheers ..

[Roger D]

Propose Day Special.. :wub: :wub:

[x_engineer_x]

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

[locoJoe]

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

:lmao:

[Turk]

A dwarf with a lisp visits a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth," he says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?" said the owner.

A female horth," the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth," says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

Nithe eyeth," says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth," he says

"Now... can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up by

the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's pussy.

He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says:

"Perhaps I should weefwaze that..... Can I see her wun awound?"