ducky88 Posted November 3, 2022 Share Posted November 3, 2022 Walking up to the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so ticked off!" "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely. "See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damn husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!" "Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room, he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And the lazy son of a bitch urinated out the window right onto my head." "Yuck!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood." "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my damn forehead!" "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. What really ticked me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his butt out the window and let loose right on my head!" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ticked me off? When I looked down, I noticed that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!" aum and pc71520 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MagicSahar Posted November 3, 2022 Share Posted November 3, 2022 Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akaneharuka Posted November 3, 2022 Share Posted November 3, 2022 ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted November 3, 2022 Share Posted November 3, 2022 Two men are on opposite sides of the river. -The first man asks, “How do I get to the other side of the river?” -The other man yells, “You ARE on the other side of the river! Idiot!”. Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 3, 2022 Share Posted November 3, 2022 "Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?" "So you can all be really sad when I die." ducky88, Karlston and Radpop 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 3, 2022 Share Posted November 3, 2022 There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!" ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 3, 2022 Share Posted November 3, 2022 A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. Mummy, the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?‘ ‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age’, the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite’. ‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘What color was your hair 2 years ago’? ‘Now really’, the mother says, ‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business’. Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?‘ ‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly’ The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. ‘My Mum won’t tell me anything about her,‘ the little girl says to her friend. ‘Well,‘ says the friend, all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. ‘It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’ Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.‘ The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?‘ ‘I also know that you used to have brown hair.‘ The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?‘ ‘And,‘ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.‘ ‘Oh really’?‘ the mother asks. ‘Why’? ‘Because on your driving license it says you got an F in sex.‘ Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 3, 2022 Share Posted November 3, 2022 A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective." Karlston and ducky88 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 3, 2022 Share Posted November 3, 2022 Karlston, ducky88 and Radpop 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 3, 2022 Share Posted November 3, 2022 funkyy, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 3, 2022 Share Posted November 3, 2022 ducky88, Karlston and funkyy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 3, 2022 Share Posted November 3, 2022 funkyy, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 3, 2022 Share Posted November 3, 2022 ducky88, funkyy and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 3, 2022 Share Posted November 3, 2022 funkyy, Karlston and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 3, 2022 Share Posted November 3, 2022 Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 3, 2022 Share Posted November 3, 2022 Tonight was foreign culture night in my house so I decided to cook a traditional dish from Pompeii ducky88 and aum 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 Saw a sign at a store that said, "We treat you like family." I'm not going in there. ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 These four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority."Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!" It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days. So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill." I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God" the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HE'S RIGHT!" The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?" "So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2." vitorio and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 What did the Mayonnaise say when the Refrigerator Door opened? Close the Door, I'm...dressing...! ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 Karlston 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 4, 2022 Share Posted November 4, 2022 Off to a great start with the new puppies... ducky88 and aum 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ducky88 Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are walking down the street smoking cigarettes. The blonde smokes Camels, the brunette smokes Marlboros, and the redhead smokes Kools. Suddenly it begins pouring rain, so the brunette and the redhead take condoms out their purses, put out the cigarettes they're smoking, and place them in the condoms. The blonde asks why they're doing that, and they reply that they're keeping their cigarettes dry and saving them for later. The blonde thinks it's a great idea, so she stops at the drug store and asks to buy a package of condoms. The pharmacist asks "What size do you want? Small, medium, or large?" The blonde replies "I don't know, whatever fits a Camel". aum and vitorio 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pc71520 Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 What’s the best thing about Teamwork? You can always Blame Someone else... ducky88 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akaneharuka Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 Karlston, funkyy, ducky88 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 5, 2022 Share Posted November 5, 2022 Did anyone see the joke I posted recently about my spine? It was about a weak back. Karlston, funkyy and ducky88 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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