[JOTD] Joke of the day

[lurch234]

[SlimRock]

What's Your Business Sign?

Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these .. What's Your Business

Sign?

1) MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing

degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on

drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job

responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2) SALES Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without

a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone

calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact

with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek

admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3) TECHNOLOGY Unable to control anything in your personal life, you

are instead content to completely control everything that happens at

your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying

but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the

Earth.

4) ENGINEERING One of only two signs that actually studied in school.

It is said that engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads.

You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest

"ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing

your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5) ACCOUNTING The only other sign that studied in school. You are

mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in

the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits,

the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely

insane.

6) HUMAN RESOURCES Ironically, given your access to confidential

information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the

organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than

marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have

to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT Catty, cutthroat, yet completely

spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest

of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure

your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself.

Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your

social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT (See above - Same sign, different title)

9) CUSTOMER SERVICE Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab

ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your

parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could

pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for

promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10) CONSULTANT Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to

avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced

yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a

higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will

spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without

ever taking direct action.

11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" As a "person" that profits from the

success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain

you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and

frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the

stock market.

12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability

to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the

latter.

13) GOVERNMENT WORKER Paid to take days off. Government workers are

genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually

suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious

crimes while on the job...Thus the term "GO POSTAL"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Women And Men

RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her

heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All

Men Are Idiots' Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the

breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I

just called to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive

you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But, I want you to

know that there's always a chance for us.'

This is known as the 'I Hate You I Love You' drunken phone call, and

99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community

colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money,

football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know

football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate

stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex.

And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and

technical, and they never lie.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females

can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading

baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is

why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is

because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male

body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men

are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men

elicit laughter from women.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,

shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday

Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is

437. A man would not be able to identify most of the items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out

to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items

left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery

shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man

reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the

Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop

him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't

looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She

knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and

best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,

empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man

will dress up for weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every

article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were

hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is

finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out,

rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men

always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a

myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any

shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety

of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The

nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator

glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes

shopping for a Porsche.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the

age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their

obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more

expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little

miniature TV's. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers.

Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything

that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to

operate.

MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude

scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been

produced by a man. Men will only show their butts, because butt size

doesn't really matter.

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away

with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will

look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more

minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the

football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting

time outs, commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a

boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are

'Pass the Doritos' or Got anymore beer?'

RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use

restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word

to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling

together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a

man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I

was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You Are My First

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the

crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally

gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and

my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal

and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided

bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his

honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal

a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the

CRATE!" :lol:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Searching for a Small Bra!

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out

to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale

department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you

have a size 28AAAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and

proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much

the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the

mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her

blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?" :rofl: :rofl:

[Turk]

What do you expect from such simple creatures, men?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal You never have to drive to another gas station

restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and

think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress~$5000.

Tux rental~$100.People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough .

You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades .

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

[Roger D]

Here comes the most awaited products of Facebook and Google.. :P :P :P

[Turk]

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a

very attractive young woman.

The wife was VERY upset! "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried.

"How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children!

I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what

happened"

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed.

And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this

young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took

pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was hungry, not well dressed and very dirty.

I gave her your dinner meal, then I helped her to have a shower, and covered her with some of your clothes.

He took a quick breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as she was relaxing next to the fireplace,

she turned to me and shyly said:

'"Please...do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[kn_andre]

 

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a

very attractive young woman.

The wife was VERY upset! "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried.

"How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children!

I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what

happened"

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed.

And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this

young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took

pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was hungry, not well dressed and very dirty.

I gave her your dinner meal, then I helped her to have a shower, and covered her with some of your clothes.

He took a quick breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as she was relaxing next to the fireplace,

she turned to me and shyly said:

'"Please...do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

And the " Only Thing " that his Wife Doesn't use is his ........ :P :P ...... Oh Bummer !!!!!! I Suppose he will Demand the Good Samaritan Award ???? Very Funny @Turk ... Thanks for making me Laugh .... Cheers ...

Edited December 27, 2013 by kn_andre

[kn_andre]

What do you expect from such simple creatures, men?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal You never have to drive to another gas station

restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and

think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress~$5000.

Tux rental~$100.People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough .

You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades .

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Typical ...... :P :P

[kn_andre]

Here comes the most awaited products of Facebook and Google.. :P :P :P

Seriously ????? AYKM ????? :P

[Turk]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as

soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your hammering is as hard as your elbow

come upstairs to fix the crack in my bed, room 221.'

[kn_andre]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,his elbow goes into her breast.They are both quite startled.The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is assoft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'She replies, 'If your hammering is as hard as your elbowcome upstairs to fix the crack in my bed, room 221.'

Oh La La !!!!!!!!!!!!! Freakish Truth or Dare ..... We can Only Imagine what this man Decided to do ... :P Cheers @ Turk ..

[Roger D]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership.

She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. :P

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. :rolleyes:

As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" :)

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" :rolleyes:
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price!"

:P :P :P

[Turk]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey,

I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh...'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

[SlimRock]

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’

The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.
‘That’s very good!’ replied the interviewer. ‘And, now you sir?’, he asked the second man.

‘Hmmm…let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’

‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.’ He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light,’ he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’
‘WHAT!?’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
‘Oh sure,' said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.’ :lol:

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

Moral : "True courage is trying to fart when you have diarrhea!" :yeyo!

[STEEL]

[STEEL]

Edited December 29, 2013 by STEEL

[dMog]

two very truthful captions....especially the tequilla one

[Turk]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when

he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion..

He had an urge to stick his dick into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist

to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife

could see at once that something was seriously wrong..

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this

tremendous urge to put my dick into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh.....she got fired too. '

[kn_andre]

Aye Mamacita .... Santa just Twerked himself into Big Trouble...Forget that when you Play with Fire ( Sorry I meant Miley Cyrus ) you get Burnt !!! His wife just Sentenced him to " CouchVille " with hard Labour... Thanks @STEEL for Sharing ... Cheers

PS.. Out of all people to Twerk with, Santa Chose Miley Cyrus ??? Seriously ??????????????? Damnnnnnnnn....

[kn_andre]

Shame what Money makes you Do and what Tequila Does to You !!!!!!!!!!! :P :P Cheers..

[kn_andre]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.He had been employed there for a number of years whenhe came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion..He had an urge to stick his dick into the pickle slicer.His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapistto talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wifecould see at once that something was seriously wrong..'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.'Do you remember that I told you how I had thistremendous urge to put my dick into the pickle slicer?''Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.'Yes, I did.' he replied.'My God, Bill, what happened?''I got fired.''No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?''Oh.....she got fired too. '

Good one @Turk ... For some who read this joke, maybe they wouldn't get it .. Some will think the Pickle Slicer is a Machine.. To be Clear - The Pickle Slicer is a Woman who Slices Pickle (probably at the Kitchen) ... The Man Got caught Sticking his " Weener " into that Lady and was Fired :P :P ...

[SlimRock]

[STEEL]

[STEEL]

[Yorel]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Turk]

It was Father John's "the last night of the year" bath, and a new, young

nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the

way her superior nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also

instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it,

do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday

night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash

him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his

legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to

Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I

would be assured salvation and eternal peace. Then Father John guided

his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to

salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell

my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was

Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."