[JOTD] Joke of the day

[STEEL]

[Turk]

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He

immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you

strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to

the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know, could be anything" says the guy, smiling.

Blonde then asks "How about IVF?"

"OK," says the guy. "That could be an interesting topic."

The Guy thinks "she is a real easy dumb blonde", throwing a suggestive look!. After a short pause

blonde asks him, "Well, lets say for your partner's IVF, how many times can you jack off in the collection room in an hour?.

The guy is dumbfounded, yet pretending he is not a dumb wanker, he replies, "6 times."

"Himm! Woo! So tell me," says the Gynaecologist Blonde, smiling.

"How is it that you feel qualified to discuss IVF and then screw a blonde when you are a dumb Joe?"

[kn_andre]

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He

immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you

strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to

the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know, could be anything" says the guy, smiling.

Blonde then asks "How about IVF?"

"OK," says the guy. "That could be an interesting topic."

The Guy thinks "she is a real easy dumb blonde", throwing a suggestive look!. After a short pause

blonde asks him, "Well, lets say for your partner's IVF, how many times can you jack off in the collection room in an hour?.

The guy is dumbfounded, yet pretending he is not a dumb wanker, he replies, "6 times."

"Himm! Woo! So tell me," says the Gynaecologist Blonde, smiling.

"How is it that you feel qualified to discuss IVF and then screw a blonde when you are a dumb Joe?"

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :D :D :D :D :showoff: :showoff: ... +1 for the Blondes .. and about time too :) :) .... Nice one @Turk .... Cheers..

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[SlimRock]

• The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my Girlfriend manages to get on every fucking one of them.

• I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant...It makes the girlfriend look like she’s actually moving during sex…

• My girlfriend said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my dick.

• I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional – I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out. I said, “My girlfriend thinks that my dick tastes like strawberry ice cream”

• I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……

• Life is like a penis....Soft and hanging freely....It’s women that make it hard!

• I said to the girlfriend, “Get me a newspaper” “Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad” That spider never knew what fucking hit it.

• I bought a new perfume for my girlfriend called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it. She says that she tends to get sleepy and it makes her ass sore. :s

[STEEL]

[STEEL]

[Turk]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.....

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Gonzales. Poor Speedy Gonzales!

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Gonzales quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up..........and all the other bells started to ring.

[OrioNeXus]

A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present "Seven Wonders of the World."

Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:

1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked
the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my
mind because there were so many." The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."

The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World' are:

1. to see
2. to hear
3. to touch
4. to taste
5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and to love."

The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and

that we take for granted are truly wondrous!

Edited December 15, 2013 by AryaPutraSRJ

[SlimRock]

A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present "Seven Wonders of the World."

Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:

1. Egypt's Great Pyramids

2. Taj Mahal

3. Grand Canyon

4. Panama Canal

5. Empire State Building

6. St. Peter's Basilica

7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked

the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my

mind because there were so many." The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."

The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World' are:

1. to see

2. to hear

3. to touch

4. to taste

5. to feel

6. to laugh

7. and to love."

The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and

that we take for granted are truly wondrous!

:clap: Already Posted: //www.nsaneforums.com/topic/164933-jotd-joke-of-the-day/?p=674772 :lol:

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[STEEL]

[SlimRock]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me. :P

[SlimRock]

:lol:

[Turk]

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home.

'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'

Edited December 15, 2013 by Turk

[x_engineer_x]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it .

One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

A Bible

A Silver Dollar

A bottle of Jack Daniels

And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door, the old preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.'

'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered,

'He’s going to be the next mayor of Toronto!'

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[SlimRock]

#...Before s*x, you help each other get naked. After s*x, you dress only yourself.. :ermm: Moral: In life no one helps you, once you're fu*ked!.... :glare:

#...Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fu*ked to achieve it!.... :innocent:

#...What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fu*k! and What a Fu*k!.... :snooty:

#...3 people having s*x is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!..... :s

#...Life is like a di*k, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason!..... :blush2:

#...Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's di*k hard, not his life!...... :wub:

#...According To William Sexfear A Drunk Guy Is A Liability, But A Drunk Girl Is An Asset!.... :dribble:

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[STEEL]

:lol: :rofl:

[Turk]

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'

she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.

'The Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[SlimRock]

[SlimRock]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started." :lol: