[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ducky88]

I once bought a wooden car.

Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition.

Wooden start.

[aum]

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on his round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So he heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's Just laying there crying"

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's just laying there not moving."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 555-6666?"

 

[aum]

Two men were fishing. They found a bottle floating on the water, retrieved it, rubbed it, and a genie popped out.

"I'll grant each of you one wish," said the genie.

 

The first man wished for a new fishing boat, all decked out, complete with outboard, the whole nine yards. Poof! New boat!

 

The second man wished for the lake to be turned into beer. Poof! The lake is now made of beer.

 

"You dummy!" exclaimed the first man. "Now we'll have to pee in the boat!"

 

 

[aum]

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

 

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

 

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?

 

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"

 

 

[aum]

I received this from a CEO that I worked with a few years back. He doesn't want to admit it but I think this is his true experience.

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten Terror? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.’

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little sh*t

 

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

A man visiting Scotland enters a very old pub, though the pub is full of people no one appeared to be drinking. Undeterred the man asks for a pint of beer. The barman pulls the pint and charges 1p. "1p for a pint of beer?' ask the man. "Arh well" explains the barman "Today the pub is 100 years old, so to celebrate we are today charging the prices of a 100 years ago"
"That's fantastic " says the man "But why is nobody else in the pub drinking?"
The barman replies "They're waiting for Happy Hour to start!!.

[aum]

What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak?

February 14th.

 

[aum]

Harry Truman was known for his blunt manner of speaking. When he made a speech at the Washington Garden Club, he kept referring to the "good manure" that needed to be used on the flowers.

 

Some society women complained to his wife, Bess. "Couldn't you get the President to say 'fertilizer'?" they asked.

 

Mrs. Truman replied, "Heavens, no! It took me twenty-five years to get him to say 'manure.'"

 

[aum]

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.

She's 97 now and... we have no idea where she is.

 

 

[aum]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

 

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

 

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said:

 

For best results, put on two coats.

 

[Karlston]

[Karlston]

I was sitting near (socially distanced) a guy on a train this morning. He was telling me about his Valentine's Day and showed me a picture of a girl, showered in rose petals.

 

He said "Isn't she gorgeous?"

 

I said "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my wife!".

 

He said "Wow, she must be a stunner!".

 

Spoiler

I said, "Optometrist".

 

[ducky88]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan,
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Krinal]

Que: How to save a Dying Woman?

Ans: Tell her about a 90% Sale going on somewhere

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

Total Disaster ! Two friends were walking but suddenly they stopped.

1St : Oh my god !! my girl friend & my wife r coming together...!!!

2nd : Mine too...!

Edited February 15, 2021 by Krinal

[aum]

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'.”

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, just whisper in my ear."

 

[aum]

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.

 

Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

 

[aum]

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter.

 

Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.

 

After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”

 

“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!

 

[Karlston]

Ladies, if a man says he’ll fix it, he will!!!

 

There’s no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

[Krinal]

 Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

[aum]

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

 

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

 

Five small voices answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

 

[ducky88]

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub
There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old
Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in
the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?

“Fishing”, replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says,
“Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me”.

In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the
gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart ass, cannot resist asking,
"So how many have you caught today.

"You're the 8th", replied the old man.

[aum]

As Gayle was getting to know Jim and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

"They're so thoughtful," Gayle said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

After a time, Gayle and Jim were engaged, and then they married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Gayle again remarked on Jim's loving parents and even the coffee in bed.

"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"

"It sure does," replied Jim. "And I take after my mom."

 

 

[aum]

An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"

 

"Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake."

 

 

[aum]

A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede $100."

The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer.

The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.

He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you want to go for a beer?"

The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says, "Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"