[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

[Krinal]

Wife: I have changed my mind

Husband: Is it working now?

 

__________________________

 

Maximum wives hate their husband's friends...!!!

Maximum husbands love their wife's friends...!!!

Men are generally nice

 

__________________________

 

Husband: I need space...

Wife: Join NASA..

[realaxis2010]

 

A man takes his wife to a stock show. They start headingdown the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull’s stall states: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, isn’t that nice.” They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!”

 

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “Wow! He mated 365 times last year. That is once a day! You could really learn from this one!” The fed up man turns to his wife and says, “Go and ask the bull if he had the same cow every day.” 🤣

 

moral of the story: men will be men 😈

Edited February 24, 2021 by realaxis2010
one more laugh :)

[Karlston]

Does anyone want my old copies of Chiropractic Monthly magazine?

 

Spoiler

I've got tonnes of back issues.

 

[ducky88]

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will, if those a**holes from the lumber yard ever deliver the damn drywall.”

[MagicSahar]

[Karlston]

I want to open a restaurant that fuses Chinese and North African cuisines.

 

I'll call it "Wok like an Egyptian".

[aum]

A dog walks into the unemployment office and asks a man behind the desk if he would help him find work.

The man, astonished at the sight of a speaking dog, replies, "I think I can help you." The guy was immediately on the phone to the circus to find out if they could use the dog in their routine.

The dog overhears some of this conversation and says, "I hate to interrupt, but what would the circus want with a brick layer?"

 

[aum]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife... she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

 

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... women like that are hard to find."

 

[realaxis2010]

argument 1 : I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect." 

argument 2: argument 1 is correct.

 

which one is the following option is correct? :

 

A) argument 1 is correct but 2 is wrong

b) argument 2 is correct but 1 is wrong

C) both 1 & 2 are correct

D) neither 1 nor 2 are correct

 

PS: self made joke while reading AI  hehehe🤓  ... pls opt your answer without overthinking .. I'll tell the correct option later.

Edited February 26, 2021 by realaxis2010
typo

[realaxis2010]

Does anyone remember the Swatch, a watch made in Switzerland? Thank god Croatia didn't come up with the idea first.

Just imagine if someone were to ask you what time is it? "Oh pardon me while I look at my crotch." 🤐

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

Pappu: My internet is not working properly..o
Officer: Ok, Double click on “My computer”
Pappu: I can’t see ur computer..
Officer: No no.. click on “My computer” on ur computer..
Pappu: How can I click on ur computer from my computer?..
Officer: listen.. There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on ur computer.. Ok. double click on it..
Pappu: what the hell, what is your computer doing on my computer..???
Officer: Double click on ur computer..
Pappu: On which Icon i’ve to click..
Officer: “My Computer”..
Pappu: …Oh u Idiot…… Tell me where is ur office…I’ll come there and click on ur “Computer. 😡

[aum]

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"

 

"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"

 

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

 

 

[aum]

A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: "Delayed by storm. Send instructions."

 

His boss e-mails back: "Start vacation immediately.

 

 

[Karlston]

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

 

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

 

90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[aum]

An airline recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

 

Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

 

[ducky88]

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to descent.

The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.

Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.

The pilots screams at him, “Didn’t you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!”

“Of course I heard you”, the man replied, “but it’s also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!”

[aum]

Teacher: What is a synonym?

Student: A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other!

 

Edited February 27, 2021 by aum

[aum]

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.

 

"I'm shocked!" she complained.

 

"This is three times what you normally charge."

 

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients."

 

 

[aum]

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled. During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.

"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."

Both were excused.

 

 

[aum]

I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay with the current job.

He asked which companies?

I told him gas, electric, and cable.

 

[Karlston]

[ducky88]

Our neighbor's dog fouled in our garden so my mum told to me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog doo in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel.

[realaxis2010]

work jokes-

 

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone. 😒

 

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…😝

 

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.😜

 

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.

The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”

The man says “I’m probably too honest.”

The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”

The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!” 😏

 

[aum]

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

 

George: 'I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years'

 

Herman: 'Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days'

 

George: 'WHAT!? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days!?'

 

Herman: 'Yeah, it was a lawyer.'

 

[ducky88]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want."

 

So, he tied her up and went golfing.