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[JOTD] Joke of the day


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Couple of decades ago, one of the husbands was working abroad and wrote a letter to his wife. He wrote: My dear love, A lot of love from me. In this month, I've sent 100 kisses instead of salary. Ple

Our neighbor's dog fouled in our garden so my mum told to me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog doo in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel.

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work jokes-

 

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone. 😒

 

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…😝

 

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.😜

 

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.

The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”

The man says “I’m probably too honest.”

The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”

The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!” 😏

 

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Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

 

George: 'I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years'

 

Herman: 'Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days'

 

George: 'WHAT!? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days!?'

 

Herman: 'Yeah, it was a lawyer.'

 

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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want."

 

So, he tied her up and went golfing.

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17.jpg

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Why do they call them postal workers

 

and not mail escorts?

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A nurse says to a new father, “Your baby is very pretty.”
The father looks pleased, “Really? Come on, don’t you say this to everybody?”
The nurse shakes her head, “No, of course not.”
The father wonders, “So what do you say if the baby’s ugly?”
The nurse smiles, “Then I say the baby really takes after its father.”

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20.jpg
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Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class.

Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could

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Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.


"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.


"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.


"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."


"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.


"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

 

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I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.

 

All it was doing was gathering dust.

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Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.
Peter: "What are you doing these days?"
John: "PHD."
Peter: "Wow! You're a doctor!"
John: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."

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Passenger: What good is your timetable, the trains are never on time!


Conductor: And how would you know they were late if it wasn’t for the timetable?

 

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An older man walks into Murphy's Pub with three women and announces, "I'll give any man a sovereign to marry my 20 year old daughter, I'll give you ten sovereigns to marry my 30 year old daughter, and to marry my 40 year old daughter, I'll give you a hundred sovereigns!"


At first there was nothing but silence, until a voice from the back of the room said, "Have you got a daughter about 80?"

 

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After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.


Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.


Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.


Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.


The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"


The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

 

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Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.


On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?"


"He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"


"That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."


"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"


"Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

 

 

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My wife left me because I am insecure

 

Spoiler

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee

 

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A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $10 and that Continues for a year.

Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $5  "Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing." 

  A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes $2  "What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor.  "First you give me $10 every day, then $5 and now only $2 What's the problem?"  

"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs.

This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."  

"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks. 

"Four," the man replies. 

"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."

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My wife is thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with poker.

 

Spoiler

I think she's bluffing.

 

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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what defines whether a patient should be institutionalized or not.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub with water, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the water out of the tub."

So basically the test is:

1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket since it is larger than the teacup or spoon."

"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull out the stopper."

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